


Some Things Are Meant To Be

by kjstark



Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Brief Love Triangle BS, College, I know nothing about Juilliard I'm so sorry, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:06:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 29,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28058898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kjstark/pseuds/kjstark
Summary: New York's city lights and warm dorm rooms you'll find in this story about the trials and tribulations of college life, filled of questionings and falls, joy and laughter.Or, the mandatory silly College AU every fandom needs.
Relationships: Alex/Luke Patterson (Julie and The Phantoms), Alex/Luke Patterson/Reggie (Julie and The Phantoms), Alex/Reggie (Julie and The Phantoms), Luke Patterson/Reggie (Julie and The Phantoms)
Comments: 278
Kudos: 225





	1. Darling, so it goes

**Author's Note:**

> A few things to note:  
> \- As I've stated above in the tags, I know nothing about the Juilliard School of Arts. I just thought of it purely for lazy reasons (read: not doing more digging about other more accessible New York schools). Please, bear with me if something sounds unrealistic. Let's call it ~fanfiction magic~.  
> - **Sex will be mentioned/discussed but _not_ graphically described**. While this is set up in an Alternative Universe where these characters aren't underage, I'm still highly aware a big chunk of the fanbase is and I feel a certain way about teens or kids reading me, a whole grown adult, writing about people getting it on.  
> However, sex is a big part of early adulthood and I'm trying to write something palpable, something most of us can relate to, and sex is a huge tool to storytelling so. Beware.  
> -This will be, ultimately, an OT3 fic, so don't get too worked up about choosing side while we get there. Sharing is caring.  
> -Also, as pointed, this is set in Alternate Universe in the 90s, where the guys weren't getting around as popular as they were, they didn't have Bobby with them, and they moved on to college instead of dying at 17 because of a poisoned hotdog.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It doesn't help that the next thing he says when he sees Alex is: "Guys, I have to tell you something." 
> 
> There's a fry hanging loosely off Reggie's mouth and Alex looks at him, a little taken back. 
> 
> "I'm not going to New York with you next month," Luke says, regretfully. 
> 
> "What?!" Reggie shouts, fry flying off the table.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I know all of them going to Juilliard is unrealistic. Yes, I did the 'they won a prize' cliché- it's my fic, I do what I want. 
> 
> BIG SHOUTOUT TO [Gert](https://cqssqndrq.tumblr.com/) on tumblr who helped me out with the beta reading for this chapter and my best gal [Ysa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/multindproud/profile) who also took a look.

_ May, 1996 _

Alex hits his head with the roof of the car trying to untangle himself from Luke's Kung-fu grip legs around him. 

Luke bites his lip to keep from laughing and Alex shoots him a serious look. 

"We have to go," he says but his eyes are sparkling under the moonlight creeping into the darkness of the car.

Luke sighs and puts his hands on the back of Alex's neck. "You said that," he mutters, his index fingers trailing circles on Alex's skin. 

"Yeah, but you're not listening to me," he complains but his body is giving in, relaxing into Luke's space. 

"'Cause it's hard to concentrate on anything when your brain's been turned into mush after the bestest orgasm ever," Luke replies, sleepily, his eyes closing. "I just wanna sleep now." 

He grips Alex's neck tighter, hugging him to his chest and Alex complies with a sigh before he says: "I won't be caught dead sleeping in the back of your dad's Toyota, Luke." 

"I said we could go to a motel," Luke refutes, trying to shrug but Alex is near dead weight on him. 

"Oh, yeah, I'd love to explain what are two boys doing booking a motel room together…"

"What? We're eighteen," Luke says. 

"Not you yet. And that's not even half of what I meant," Alex says, making a face at him. Luke replies by giving him a smirk, and Alex leans in to kiss his chin. "I'm serious, we have to go. It's school night and it's, like, 2 a.m." 

Luke would've rolled his eyes if he didn't have them closed again already. "Ah, I wish I cared," he jokes.

"You should care!" Alex says, moving away from him as best as he could. "You can't claim the Juilliard scholarship if you don't graduate and then you won't come with me and Reggie to New York," he adds. 

"I don't need a Juilliard degree to play music, Alex," Luke says, his eyes still closed.

"No, but you know how many doors that would open?" he almost shouts, making Luke open his eyes reluctantly. "Plus, wasn't that the whole plan? That we go there and hone our craft? The whole "if we make it in the big city, we'll make it everywhere"?" 

Luke eyes him almost amused. "How does it work? I mean, I just saw these pretty eyes," he says, pointing closely with two fingers to Alex's eyes, "go blank less than five minutes ago and now you're rambling questions at my face?" he asks, sweetly looking at him. 

A simple smile draws in Alex's face. "That's anxiety for you, baby," he jokes and Luke breaks into laughter. 

"It sounds awful," he says later but his eyes are beaming. 

Alex shrugs and rests his chin on Luke's chest. "I can't help my thoughts," he says. 

Luke stares down at him and nods. But then he bites his lower lip and moves his hand to run on Alex's head, brushing his locks off his forehead. 

He leans in just a little and whispers: "Go the fuck away, assholes," at Alex's forehead. 

Alex frowns but he gives out a light chuckle. "What was that?" 

"I'm talking to your thoughts. I won't let them ruin the night," Luke explains, with a funny, sarcastic spark in his eyes. 

Alex's smile widens and he mutters 'I love you' into his lips and it's so good Luke forgets he was supposed to say it back. 

~☆~

It doesn't help that the next thing he says when he sees Alex is: "Guys, I have to tell you something." 

There's a fry hanging loosely off Reggie's mouth and Alex looks at him, a little taken back. 

"I'm not going to New York with you next month," Luke says, regretfully. 

"What?!" Reggie shouts, fry flying off the table. 

"Oh, god, did you bomb the Stats exam?" Alex says, worried. 

Luke shakes his head. "No, no. I've been doing better with your notes. Not the greatest GPA but I'll graduate," he assures.

"Then what is it?" Reggie wonders and Luke can see Alex swallow next to him. 

"I'm going backpacking through Europe. I talked with my folks about it," he says. Reggie frowns at him and Alex looks conflicted, his mind somewhere else. "Yeah, I mean, just a few months. I need to get in touch with myself, gain back some perspective." 

"Luke, what the fuck are you on?" Alex cuts in, frowning deep. 

"Alex, these past months were unbearable. Hell, the whole fucking year was unbearable. I almost dropped out twice before we won the festival. My folks drove me up the wall constantly—"

"Yeah, but all that shit is over with, remember? We all get to leave home now," Reggie speaks, more carefully. His eyes have the softness Alex lacks in his.

"I'm not saying I'm not going. I'm just saying I'm not going  _ yet _ ," Luke explains, shifting his eyes between both of his best friends. 

"Right. Because this year was the fucking worst," Alex almost spits and Luke is about to curve his eyebrows in a 'well, yeah' expression before he gets what Alex means. 

The only good thing that happened to him this year other than winning a Juilliard scholarship was getting to kiss Alex. Repeatedly. In lots of places. 

"Not everything was. Not even close," he says, his eyes glued to the drummer. Alex's glare softens just a little but he's still not rolling with it. 

It'll be fine. They'll have plenty of time to keep kissing once he comes back from his trip and they all live together in a crowded, convoluted city like New York. 

Plus, Reggie will keep Alex company, anyway. 

The three of them get drunk after graduation and Reggie tears up a little, says he's excited to be out of his house but he's mostly excited about being with them. 

Alex on his end is awfully quiet as he is when he gets drunk. 

And Luke only stares at them and gives them a kiss on the cheek to each before they all drop him, dead-limbed, on his bed. 

Luke sneaks a hand on their shirts and pulls. Reggie gives in with a squeak and no fight at all while Alex grunts and tries to wiggle his way out of Luke's grip on his shoulder. 

But Luke puffs a breath struggling and mutters: "Reggie, help." 

Reggie laughs from Luke's right armpit and shifts, then throws his leg on top of the guitarist and hooks his ankle on Alex's thigh, his leg pressing like a goddamned anchor. 

Naturally, Alex gives up. Not because he couldn't have gotten out easily but because it now required more effort than he was willing to put. 

Plus, he was also drunk. And sleepy. And he loved the way Luke smelled. And the image of Reggie just stretched out easily like a freaking cat all over the both of them made Alex grin into Luke's bicep. 

He didn't say the L word this time.

He didn't have to, though. 

Cause Reggie snuggles closer to them, turning so his chest is pressed to Luke's side and he moves his hand across Luke's torso to fetch for Alex's hand between their bodies and holds it, sleepily but still firm. 

"Ah, I love you guys," he yawns. Alex raises his head from his warm, flesh pillow and looks at them. Reggie's eyes are closing and Luke's already gone, mouth open. 

Leave it to him to  _ not _ answer a stupid 'I love you'. 

Alex rolls his eyes and then looks at Reggie's fingers intertwining with his own, almost like they're moving at their own thought since Reggie's evening his breathing as he drifts off. 

"I love you, too, Reg," Alex whispers, smiling. 

And he did. It was just Luke he was frustrated with.

~☆~ 

They say goodbye at the airport and Luke tries not to crack under Alex's very evident glare. It doesn't help that he's on edge because his parents are there with him, looking at Luke and Reggie suspiciously and not like they're the kids they've known for years now. 

Ah, Luke could still remember how cool Alex's parents were before it all went to shit. 

"I'll call to ask you for the address as soon as you guys settle and then I'll send you guys postcards from where I'm at," he says. 

Reggie goes "sure" and Alex nods, looking the other way; he didn't care. 

Luke chuckles at Alex's bad mood and he was going to say something when Alex's sister jumped on her brother and hugged him.

She says something into Alex's shoulder and Luke eyes Reggie, looking down. 

Yes, Alex's parents were iceberg cold now after they used to shower Alex in love and affection all because he wasn't straight like they thought. But they still came to send him off to his better, grown-up life. 

Which is more than Reggie can say about his. 

Luke puts a hand on his shoulder and pulls him close again. "Hey," Luke says, looking into Reggie's eyes. "Try not to have too much fun without me, ok?" he whispers at his face, grinning. 

Reggie lightens up, then. "Can't make any promises," he jokes and Luke pulls Reggie's head harshly to his shoulder, ruffling his hair in a hug. 

Then they let go, but Luke's arm's still wrapped around Reggie's shoulders, Reggie putting his arm around Luke's waist. They turn to Alex, still saying goodbye to his sister with watery eyes. 

"Take care of him while I'm gone, Reg," Luke says, quieter now. 

Reggie arches an eyebrow, confused. "Who? Alex?"

But Alex turns to them with a sigh, dropping Annie to the floor. "Please, if Reggie's the one looking after me, then I'm in serious trouble," he says, walking closer to them, hands stuffed in his pockets. 

"Ok, can you at least promise not to drive each other up the wall? I don't wanna come back and have to help one of you hide the other's dead body," Luke jokes. 

Reggie and Alex look at each other in sync and Alex gives him a narrowed-eyes look that Reggie mimics just a few seconds later. 

"Eh. We'll behave," Reggie says. 

"Or at least we'll  _ survive _ ," Alex says instead. 

They have their whole lives ahead. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you think Alex and Reggie will drive each other insane? When will Luke come back? Where's my season two announcement?


	2. Wise men say...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Moving day had proven to be quite tiring but there was something highly exciting about the first day of the rest of your life. His free life.  
>    
> Away from the troubles of his household and his family. Away from California and his old life. 
> 
> Just him, his dream, and his friends —well, just one friend as of right now. But Luke would come soon enough. 
> 
> Reggie headbutts Alex on the shoulder with the biggest, brightest grin. "Alex, we're in college," he says, excitedly. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, huge thanks to [Gert](https://cqssqndrq.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr who helped again with beta reading for this chapter, too, and my best gal [Ysa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/multindproud/profile). Thanks for not letting this look uglier than it already was. Any remaining mistake is utterly on me!

_August, 1996_

Reggie falls on the couch with a tired thud but his smile is wide on his face. 

Moving day had proven to be quite tiring but there was something highly exciting about the first day of the rest of your life. His free life. 

Away from the troubles of his household and his family. Away from California and his old life. 

Just him, his dream, and his friends — well, just one friend as of right now. But Luke would come soon enough. 

Reggie headbutts Alex on the shoulder with the biggest, brightest grin. "Alex, we're in college," he says, excitedly. 

Alex smiles. "I know," he replies, high pitched. 

He pokes Reggie's ribs and the idiot falls on his back to the arm of the couch and Alex is so fucking ecstatic and Reggie's giggling under him, happy.

Alex keeps just tickling him until he's fully towering over him, Reggie bending his knees to Alex's sides and shaking, his eyes shut in blissful laughter and ease. 

Alex stops and looks at his friend under him, flushed and taking big breaths but his smile is untouched and something flutters in Alex's chest. 

Reggie opens his eyes just when Alex is about to move up and away and instead pulls him down by his neck, hugging Alex tight to his chest. "Yeah!" Reggie shouts. Happy and breathless, patting Alex's back hard. 

Alex's laugh gets muffled in Reggie's flannel, but he doesn't mind it because Reggie's heartbeat is a drum beat he can totally play songs to. 

~☆~

Reggie thinks it's exhilarating how fast everything goes in the big city. A part of him is thriving in old childhood memories when he lived in Jersey and came here from time to time. 

The lights seemed so big and shiny back then; so full of luxury and magic. 

He makes it to his and Alex's dorm with two cups of iced coffee in his hands and a smile on his face. It's been barely a week but he's still not over being a college guy now. 

Alex steps out of the bathroom, dripping wet, drying his hair with the towel that should be around his waist and Reggie jumps, coffee sloshing around, when Alex yells and jolts back. 

Reggie actually chuckles at the running sight of Alex's butt. "REGGIE, WHAT THE HELL?" he shouts, hiding back into the bathroom. 

Reggie thinks it's silly, he's used to seeing other boys naked. But he'll grant Alex his shyness.

"I went to grab some coffee," he explains from the hall. 

"You don't even like coffee!" Alex refutes and then he comes out, towel wrapped around his middle. 

Reggie tries not to laugh but Alex is all red and slightly pissed. "Well, I'm well on my way to adulthood, so, who knows, maybe I do like coffee now," he explains, handing Alex a cup. 

The blond boy squints an eye at him as he takes the cup. They drink at the same time. 

And they both grimace at the taste. 

"Ugh," Alex grunts. 

"Yeah, that was awful," Reggie agrees, wiping his tongue off the bitter flavor. 

He starts his classes in no time and it's great. Talking and learning all day about music and its history is just about everything he's ever wanted. Plus, his classmates seem dope. There's about twelve girls he can totally see himself asking out, and a few fun, interesting guys. 

But at the end of the day, he always goes back to the dorm to spend the rest of the day talking to Alex. Or watch something on TV. Or play cards because Alex still refuses to unpack his drum set and play music with him. 

"I need to focus on my classes for a while. Just until I get the feeling of it," he explains one day and Reggie tries not to pout. 

It's so much easier to play and stay focused when Alex's with him. 

But Alex had looked at him in a question and tilted his head saying: "You get it, right?" 

And Reggie couldn't hold a thing against him. He just wished Luke came soon, because if Alex wouldn't listen to him, at least he'd listen to Luke. 

Still, he makes sure to stay close to Alex as he can. Not pushy enough, just present. Because there's something bothering Alex deep inside and Reggie's not about to poke him on what it is. 

"Do you miss them?" Reggie asks one night, fidgeting with his fingers. He's sitting on the couch and Alex's working on a paper on his shiny new laptop. 

Actually, both Alex and Reggie's parents splurged on stuff for college—a hot plate, computers, MTA passes, books, even a small TV. 

They would've felt happy about it, but it felt like they were doing everything so that they didn't have to hear from them anytime soon. 

It was a weird thing, their relationships with their families. 

But it was what Alex and Reggie had in common.

Reggie almost felt guilty he didn't wanna lose that so he'd have something that's just between him and Alex that Luke wouldn't understand. 

"Who?" Alex asks after he takes a sip of coffee; he's learned he likes the drink when it's hot and he has a long night of homework ahead. 

"Your family," Reggie says, not turning from the couch. 

"I miss Annie, for sure," Alex replies quickly. Then he turns and he looks at him, his shoulders dropping. "You okay, Reg?" 

Reggie frowns with a pout. "Me? Yeah, yeah. Why?" 

Alex turns to the computer, clicks on some things, and then gets up. Then he walks over to the couch slowly and stands by his side, looking the other way. "I'm gonna sit here, move over," he instructs with a tone. 

Reggie moves to lay on his side and looks at his friend. 

"Do _you_ miss them?" 

Reggie shoots Alex a look like he was mildly surprised at the assumption, but all Alex had for him were soft eyes. 

"It's okay if you do," he says, and he puts a hand on Reggie's chest. 

Now, Reggie wouldn't consider himself emotional, but he is very open and true about his feelings. And he wasn't asking that for himself, but there was something about Alex's eyes and his firm hand and the memory of everything back home that he felt himself get teary-eyed. 

"I—" Reggie bites his bottom lip and Alex breathes, eyeing him carefully. "I do. Sometimes. But I think I wish they missed me more than I miss them," he concludes, out loud, and it felt like weight had been lifted off him. 

Alex nods, understanding. "I get it." 

Then he smiles sweetly. And it was more than Reggie hoped for. 

They say good things have a build-up, they take precious time. But _really_ good things happen in a blink. When you're not expecting them.

Alex gets up and then leans down, pressing a kiss to his forehead before he goes to keep doing his homework and Reggie lies there, mac-fucking-losing it. 

Alex had kissed him a few hundred times, sure. But this was different. This _felt_ different. He had moved Reggie's hair off his face before he pressed his warm, pretty lips against Reggie's own flesh. 

God, why was he thinking about Alex's lips on his flesh now? Stop, stop. Back track. 

This was Luke and the swim trunks incident of 94 all over again. 

He shoots a look at Alex, sitting unaware in his chair, his back to Reggie, and feels himself starting to sweat. Sweat on the very spot Alex had planted his lips on. 

"I'm gonna go shower," Reggie declares, getting up quickly and nearly running to the bathroom. 

He shuts the door closed, breathes in front of the mirror, and takes a look at himself. His eyes are faintly red around the edges from the teary-eyed moment he just had but it feels like it was an hour ago, because all he can think about is how soft Alex's lips felt on his head. 

And it's dark, his shade of green. His shade of blueish-green that matches Alex's but doesn't, not really. 

And now he's thinking about the guy's eyes, dear _God_. 

He strips his clothes with almost a full-body shake. Trying to stop freaking out over his intrusive, life-altering, revealing thoughts. 

He gets under the tap and lets the water wash over him and his demons, letting out a relieving breath. He smiles, a little calmer.

Crisis averted. 

Except he runs a hand through the hair at the back of his neck with his eyes closed and his traitor of a brain flashes the idea of Alex doing it instead. 

It does _not_ help that his dick twitches at the image. 

Fuck his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're all always a cool bunch. Questions for next week: is Reggie a huge dork? Will Alex play drums again? WHEN ARE WE GETTING THAT S2 ANNOUNCEMENT?


	3. I can't help falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, saying his crushing on Alex caught him off guard is an understatement. It took him over, knocked him on his ass, and then kicked the shit out of him on the floor. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY HOLIDAYS! I know I missed the weekend deadline but hopefully that means I can give you another chapter sooner 🤗
> 
> Again, huge thanks to [Gert](https://cqssqndrq.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr who helped again with beta reading for this chapter, too, and my best gal [Ysa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/multindproud/profile). Thanks for not letting this look uglier than it already was. Any remaining mistake is utterly on me!

_ Early September, 1996 _

So, saying his crushing on Alex caught him off guard is an understatement. It took him over, knocked him on his ass, and then kicked the shit out of him on the floor. 

One day it was "Good morning, Lex" with a friendly smile and now it's vaguely-yet-consumingly thinking about how gorgeous Alex looks when he wakes up. 

He's not even thinking about what this all means, him crushing after another guy. It's almost pointless to him. So he likes dudes. Too. Apparently. The fuck does it matter? 

His problem is that the dude is Alex. 

Alex that's been his friend for forever, as far as he was aware. Alex who looks like a daydream and is so fucking out of his league because Reggie is dumb and probably funny-looking to him and—

"Reggie!" 

"Ah!" He jumps. Alex is almost glaring at him. 

Alex, who Reggie might as well think hates him sometimes. 

"I asked if you wanna order in for dinner or do you wanna go out?" Alex wonders, mildly annoyed. 

"With you?" Reggie blurts, like an idiot. 

Alex gives him one of his brand looks that's not a frown, not a glare but something in between. Something that screams 'how many times did they drop you as a child?'. 

"Um, I— I mean, I don't know. What do you want?" He asks instead. 

Alex grins, then. "There's a new Italian place I read about in the Times a few days ago. Apparently, it’s ‘where the youth gathers,’" he says, jokingly. 

Reggie smiles at Alex's tone. Thinks 'I would follow you to the ends of the earth' but lucky enough, his brain-to-mouth filter seems to work this time. "Sure," is all he says. 

Then he spends the rest of the night reminding himself that this is not a date. But it doesn't hurt anyone when he dreams it was later that night. 

~☆~

The New York queer scene is far bigger and louder than Reggie imagined. Not that he ever thought about LGBT spaces in his area; whatever he was up to regarding sexuality in California involved way less clandestine conventions and marches for rights and more girls in bikinis at the beach. 

He had been infatuated with girls since he had a proper conscience. Was very keen on the idea of crushing after them, so much that sometimes he would even fall off the wagon for more than just one at the same time. 

Alex had called him a hormonal messy teen, Luke had called him delusional. 

He currently feels a little both. 

But he's not into any girl right now, much less many. He's just into Alex. Who is a guy. Who is his friend. 

And that's so much worse. 

But he can't help to tell him about the talk they're having in a book store one bus ride away from their dorm, from a trans activist who wrote a self-help book titled 'Growing up less than straight'. 

The words 'less than straight' in bright blue letters had stuck with Reggie all through Jazz Bass class after he saw the pamphlet on a Social Interests board. 

He had also been so focused on not letting Alex see through him and his stupid crush that he hadn't even stopped to think about what this whole thing made him now. 

And the thing was that he tried looking at the guys in his class, just to check if there was anything else there. But Ryan's eyes weren't as blue as Alex's, and Thomas had nice, puffy hair, but there was something about Alex's golden locks that just seemed too good to be true. 

So he figured he was Alex-sexual, then. 

He could appreciate aesthetically the good looks of another man but it was Alex he thought about. It was Alex he stopped himself from imagining in the lazy, lonely showers he took in the mornings. 

It was Alex he dreamt moved his long fingers across his back and kissed his jawline 'till he woke up painfully hard and unrested. 

Well, it had been Luke, once, too. 

But Reggie had pushed that era of his teenage years so far back in his head he nearly had blocked it. 

Maybe this was one of those attachment issues the doctor told him about when he was young. 

It took him an entire summer spent with Luke to develop a clingy, childish crush on him and now that he's spent almost half a year alone with Alex, the same thing has happened? 

Or maybe he's just bisexual, really. But his classmates don't meet his standards. He definitely thought George Clooney was hot. 

And Alex. Back to Alex. Who wore loose, pastel tank-tops and his cap backwards and shorts that rolled up high just enough that Reggie could see his thighs and damn, who knew the bass pedal made your leg muscles work themselves out like that? 

Luke was the obviously hot one out of the three of them. He was the one who was flashy about it, too. But Alex had kept his own body well a secret. 

Or maybe it was just that Reggie was seeing him with different eyes, now. 

Whatever. It was just horniness. A mindless crush. He got over Luke, he'd get over Alex, too. 

"Hi, Regs," Alex greets him, getting back home with that sheepish smile and flushed cheeks from an entire afternoon spent dancing. 

' _ God. I love you _ ,' Reggie thinks, his mouth full of Captain Crunch. 

He's screwed. 

"How was your day?" Alex asks, burying his head into the fridge to fetch some juice. 

Reggie licks his spoon ceremoniously watching Alex bend in front of him. Were those new sweatpants? 

"Oh, good," Reggie blinks into reality once Alex turns back to him. Alex smiles in reply and drinks his juice. "Hey!" Reggie shouts, remembering. 

Having ADHD and a gorgeous roommate was kicking the shit out of him lately. 

Reggie moves from the stool and goes over to his room, to pick the pamphlet from his bag. 

When he comes back, Alex has chugged his hoodie off and is wearing a white V-neck that's thin enough to slightly see through. Reggie nearly salivates. 

He clears his throat and holds the pamphlet tightly, then walks back to the kitchen where Alex waits attentively. "Saw this before class today," he says, offering the paper to Alex without really meeting his eyes. "It's this Saturday night. Thought it'd be cool if we went, huh?" 

There's an interested and excited smile drawing on Alex's face. "Oh, I've heard about Tanya Brooks," Alex says, pointing at the speaker's photo. "Yeah, I'd love to go, Reggie. Thanks," he says, and wraps himself around him. 

Alex smells like sweat, something woody, and every daydream Reggie hoped to hold. 

They go excitedly, shoulders brushing and wide-eyed and Reggie's mind feels full when he hears the speaker talk so freely about her experiences having both boyfriends and girlfriends throughout her life. 

Reggie's so submerged in the talk that he misses Alex shooting a glance at him when the word "bisexual" escapes the women's lips. 

Half an hour later, he's shaking her hand and congratulating the woman on a good talk. 

"Oh, I'm having another one with a group of butch lesbians from a women's shelter next week," she tells him and fetches for something in her bag. 

Another piece of paper. 

"That's the invitation," she offers, her hand on Reggie's arm. Alex makes their way to them slowly. "Oh, and you can take your boyfriend, too," the woman adds, eyes on Alex who just got there. 

She waves at them both goodbye before either of them could correct her. 

Reggie still stands there, mouth half-open and hand raised, looking between Alex and the trail Mrs. Brooks left behind. "No, that's— we're not, I mean— I-I'm not—" 

Alex puts a hand on his shoulder to make him turn. "Chill, she's gone. Plus, we're in a safe space here," he says. Then he makes a fake pouty face, like he's making fun of him. "Unless your male ego would be hurt if people think you're gay?" 

Reggie scoffs and shoves Alex. "Please, I don't have a male ego. I don't even have an ego," he replies and Alex chuckles with a frown. 

Then he sobers up a little. "Thanks for this, by the way," Alex says, more serious. "Not only was insightful, it was also great for pick-ups. I just got that guy's number," Alex adds, dropping a few notes to whisper at Reggie's face as he points with his thumb over his shoulder to a brown-haired guy in the back corner. 

The guy has  _ suspenders _ .

Reggie thinks he's the biggest idiot who's walked on Earth. 

~☆~

He watches Alex go on his date the following Friday; spends the entire day with a bitter feeling in his gut. 

Reggie had to help Alex pick up his attire, had to sit and watch for thirty-eight minutes as Alex tried every shirt he owned. Watch him comb and comb and readjust his hair in front of the mirror for like twelve times. Alex washed his mouth twice and then he tried to bail just once. 

"Just go, have a good time, Lex," Reggie urged him, even though his gut twisted at the idea of spending the night alone, overthinking about how much fun Alex is having with a guy that isn't him. 

Maybe even make out and get to touch his— alright, stop. Don't go there. 

The contemplation of a sad, lonely night was enough for Reggie to add horny on top of it. 

"How do I look?" Alex had asked, finally. 

He was wearing a bright cyan button-up shirt with tiny blue dots, dark-blue jeans, and brown shoes. His hair fell perfectly on the sides, framing his face in silk golden locks almost like they resembled light around his features. And those eyes,  _ jeesh _ . It was like they turned bluer just to match the shirt. 

Alex was sun-kissed. He was absolutely breathtaking. How on earth did Reggie miss that all this time? 

Right. He had been too dumbfoundedly stunned staring at Luke's biceps. 

With a swallow, he goes casually: "You look great, man." 

He deserves an Oscar, it's what he does. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys have a good New Year's eve. Thanks for always being a cool bunch. 
> 
> Questions for this time: How will Alex's date go? Does Reggie really deserve an Oscar for Best Performance? Can we get that S2 announcement before the year ends?


	4. Take my hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “No way!” Reggie yells, his eyes shooting open at Alex once he catches sight of the headline. 
> 
> Reggie had been playing the bass line of ‘Hail, Hail’ for weeks now and Alex had to knock on a lot of doors and ask for a lot of favors to get the second concert in New York of Pearl Jam. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, huge thanks to [Gert](https://cqssqndrq.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr who helped again with beta reading for this chapter, too, and my best gal [Ysa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/multindproud/profile). Thanks for not letting this look uglier than it already was. Any remaining mistake is utterly on me!

_Late September, 1996_

"Oh my god, it's Luke!" Reggie shouts when his eyes read the words behind the postcard. It's from Bolzano. "He's in Italy," Reggie adds, smiling at the card. 

Alex is slipping a pill into his coffee. His night was a bust, apparently. He got home at four. Not that Reggie had been counting, nope.

"That's great," Alex replies but his tone is dead. 

Reggie wants to ask but first, he has to tell his face to act like he's not thrilled that Alex's date didn't work out. 

"You wanna tell me what happened?" He asks, concerned. He is, though, but he's also super happy. 

"You're better off not knowing. Just," Alex sighs and downs the drink in one go. "You're so lucky you're not gay, Reggie. 'Cause men are trash," he adds before he gets up, patting the top of Reggie's head before he disappears to his bedroom. 

Reggie turns to watch him go, confused as ever. But decides to grant Alex his privacy, turns back to the postcard, and smiles at Luke's terrible handwriting, before he holds the thing to his chest. 

Maybe when Luke gets here, things will be less confusing. 

~☆~

Alex bites his lower lip to keep from full-teeth smiling as Reggie rips the envelope holding his gift. He’d been saving for months from the money his parents sent him every week. 

They never asked how he was, but they did send money. 

Rich people and their ridiculous shame, Alex thought the first time he got the bill, as he rolled his eyes.

“No way!” Reggie yells, his eyes shooting open at Alex once he catches sight of the headline. 

Reggie had been playing the bass line of ‘Hail, Hail’ for weeks now and Alex had to knock on a lot of doors and ask for a lot of favors to get the second concert in New York of Pearl Jam. 

Reggie launches himself at Alex, excitedly. They’d been here for four months already and still hadn’t managed to go to a concert. 

“Thanks so much, man. This is sick!” Reggie says, his cheek pressed against Alex’s tightly. Alex could feel Reggie’s heart hammering in his chest. A low, almost skippy _bumbumbumbum_ that Alex could just easily follow with his right foot. 

Reggie lets go of him and stares at the tickets, smiling widely. “Don’t cry,” Alex mocks him, but he’s smiling, too. 

Reggie shrugs. “Hey, it’s my birthday, I can cry if I want to,” he says, still looking down at his hands. Alex sobers up and breathes, looking at him still, close. “I just wish Luke was here, too, is’all,” he adds. 

Alex throws his head back a little before he nods. Not because he agrees, necessarily. He’s been really good at not missing Luke for the past few months, even if he still feels bitter when he does or doesn’t. 

It helps that Reggie makes everything so much simpler. 

It helps that Reggie makes it easier to breathe around. 

Which, with Luke, was never the case. 

It’s just nice to have a friend. 

“Well, we can go to other concerts when he gets here,” Alex still assures him, putting a hand on his shoulder. “Now, we should get ready soon because that’s a forty-nine minutes bus ride,” he explains, widening his eyes. 

By the time they make it to the venue, the place is packed and high on energy and they already missed Ben Harper and The Fastbacks, and Alex feels down. He always likes to see the opening acts because he imagines Sunset Curve might get that luck one day. 

They try to reach a good spot through the crowd and Alex’s hand goes inadvertently, on reflex, to grab Reggie’s tightly so they won’t lose each other. 

However, when Eddie Vedder opens up with ‘Sometimes’, they don’t let go. And it’s not until they play ‘Hail, hail’ a few songs after that they start jumping up and down, high on the feeling of sweating crowds and a good jam. 

Reggie gets caught up in the environment, intoxicated by all the excited and drunken people around him and he almost looks like he’s under the influence, too. It’s enchanting to see. 

And Alex knows Reggie’s usually a happy, perky, excited guy, but now it feels like it just hit him. 

That all he’s ever loved to see is Reggie being happy. 

They finish the first encore and Alex notices he’s spent almost all of it just watching Reggie sing along and dance to the songs instead of the actual show. 

Well, whatever. He’s only heard Vitalogy and it was years ago. 

Alex still feels quite satisfied and heavy on his chest by the time the concert is over. They leave Downing Stadium with such wide grins that their cheeks hurt. 

Reggie spends the whole walk back home telling Alex everything that happened like he hadn’t been right there next to him. That’s how excited he was. 

“God, that was just amazing. It was a raging, awesome crowd,” Reggie comments as they make it into the Grand Central. 

“I thought the set was good, too,” Alex replies after he gets them their tickets. 

Reggie tilts his head. “You only knew like six songs,” he says. 

Alex wants to protest but Reggie’s right. “Six and a half. And I like Tremor Christ so much it counts for two,” he says with a raised finger, jokingly. 

Reggie actually beams at him, though, and Alex feels kind of helpless and odd. “Agh! Just thanks so much!” Reggie blurts again, throwing his hands in the air as he moves to kiss Alex on the cheek. 

Right there. In the middle of the fucking train station. 

Alex pushes him out of impulse, his fight or flight response high on alert. “Reggie, what are you _doing_?” he whispers harshly, looking around.

Luckily, the people close to them were an old lady reading a tiny book and some guy who was definitely drunk out of his skull. 

But Reggie’s face twists painfully and Alex wants to slap himself. “It was just a kiss on the cheek, I—”

“No, no. I mean, ah—” Alex tries to pull him closer but stops, then rubs his temple. Reggie looks at him like he just blew on his candles before he stepped on his cake, too. “You can’t do that here, just— wide in the open. We have to be careful,” he explains, a little softer. 

Reggie still looks conflicted, though.

“It’s just— you never know who’s watching, okay? People can see something, get the wrong idea, and next thing we know we’re getting jumped in a dark alley and beaten to a pulp,” he says, a bit more crude this time.

Reggie grimaces. “Alex…” 

Alex puts his hands on both of Reggie’s shoulders. “I just don’t want us to get hurt, okay?” he says, looking into Reggie’s eyes with care. Reggie’s frown uncurls slowly but he’s still not smiling again.

Which bothers Alex greatly now, it seems.

“When we’re in a safe space, I promise you can kiss me all you want,” Alex says, trying to be nice, but then he hears what he says and he stutters: “O-on the cheek. On the cheek, I mean,” he corrects himself. 

It gets Reggie to chuckle and smile again, so it’s worth it. 

~☆~

Reggie wiggles his head on Alex's lap. Alex really tries to focus on Oscar Wilde's words instead of Reggie's warmth crawling all the way up to his center. 

Alex shifts on his seat, trying to adjust the business in his pants so it moves to the other side and _not_ where Reggie's head is resting, and clears his throat. 

Reggie's just not even blinking as he looks up at him. 

"Ok. _What_?" Alex asks, frustrated. 

"What? I'm watching you read," Reggie replies, simply. 

"No, you're staring. You're— you're gazing," he refutes, annoyed. 

A grin breaks on Reggie's face. "I'm _gay_ zing?" he jokes. 

Alex looks dead at a spot on the drywall and there's a fucking rumbling in his stomach. Cause he hates Reggie. He does. He's ridiculously stupid. A goddamned buffoon. Alex wants to crawl into himself and scream. 

"God, you're the worst," Alex mutters. But his smile grows big and he knows he's screwed. 

Because he hates Reggie. But he hates him cause he doesn't hate him at all. 

Because Reggie sets a timer in the shower so he doesn't use up all the warm water. And he eats the marshmallows of his cereal first because he says then the whole thing tastes like marshmallows. Cause he sings low-tunes of old country songs and he loves the acoustic guitar as much as he loves his bass. 

Because Alex watched Reggie cry on his father's birthday, holding the telephone in his hand and Alex learned, with ease and no surprise at all, that he would set the whole world on fire to keep Reggie warm. 

"You love me anyway," Reggie says, teasing and smiley. 

"Don't get ahead of yourself. I tolerate you," Alex refutes. 

"Liar, liar, pants on fire," Reggie sings. 

Now, that? Alex rolls his eyes. "Jesus Christ, Reggie, you're eighteen, act like it," he says. 

Reggie sighs and sits up. "Fine," he gets up. "You want beer, _bruh_?" Reggie asks in an awful accent. 

Alex chuckles and shakes his head. "It's Wednesday," he says. 

Reggie goes into the kitchen and Alex hears the fridge door being opened. "So? Isn't this what we do in college?" 

"Not legally until at least a few years, no," Alex says and resumes his reading. 

He can hear Reggie sip behind him, still up in his business like Alex is the most entertaining thing in the world.

It unsettles him a little.

"Can I help you, Reginald?" Alex says, not looking away from his book. 

Reggie makes a sound when his lips leave the beer bottle and Alex's mastered the ability to pretend that it doesn't make him lose his cool a little.

"You sure you don't want any? Not even a sip?" Reggie asks from behind his left shoulder. 

Alex reads something about how beautiful Dorian Grey is and turns to Reggie instead. 

When he does, Reggie's pointing the beer at his face raising his eyebrows like that's the offer he's giving Alex. 

Alex has a split second to gather his thoughts. Is Reggie actually trying to tease him or is he just being a goof as usual? Does he even realize what this _looks_ like? 

Does he want it to look like that? 

Reggie doesn't flinch away and Alex realizes he's not about to cower up now. Not to Reggie, of all people. 

So he wets his lips and he dives in, attaching his mouth to the bottle and tilting his head enough so Reggie can pour a bit of the liquor into and down his throat. 

And because Alex knows he can be a little shit when he wants to, he didn't take his eyes off Reggie while he did all that.

Alex sucks in his last bit of beer, having drunk almost half of it, and lets go of it without spilling a single drop. He takes one big inhale, savoring the taste. 

He always did like beer best. Must've been the german roots in him. 

"Ahh," he breathes. Reggie's not even blinking. "I think I was thirsty," he comments with cocky eyebrows. 

Reggie does something that's between a choke and a chuckle, hidden behind an evident swallow and lots of blinking. It doesn't help him at all that his cheeks burn brightly red. 

Shit. That's probably Alex's favorite thing about Reggie. 

"Y-yeah," Reggie stutters, moving the now empty bottle away, hanging in his hand. 

"You should get another one, I almost drank all of that one," Alex suggests before he turns to his book again. 

Reggie stands there and blinks slowly. "No, no. I'm— I think I'm going to bed," he says. 

Alex shoots him a look from his shoulder. "That sounds reasonable," he says. 

"Yeah, cause I'm a little tired—"

"I'm sure—" 

"And I also have to get up early tomorrow—" 

"Mm-hm, that's right—" 

"Alex?" Reggie calls him from the hallway. Alex turns to him slowly, putting his thumb on the page of his book so he won't lose where he's at. 

He looks at him, tilting his head from the couch, and waits. 

Reggie looks like there's a turmoil of questions in his head, more than there usually are. 

"Yes, Regs?" Alex prompts. 

Reggie opens his mouth and then closes it, smiles nervously instead. "Mm, just… goodnight," he blurts, waving. 

"Goodnight, Reggie," Alex replies with a sleepy smile. He turns again when he notices Reggie's still standing like a fool, so he looks from the corner of his eye and it makes Reggie start walking. "Oh, and Regs," Alex lays his arm on the couch's back and looks at Reggie, walking back. "Next time— don't poke the bear," he tells him, squinting one eye a little. 

If Reggie wants to test unexplored waters, Alex is absolutely happy for him. 

But he's not about to be the sexual test dummy of yet another one of his friends. It's been months since he's seen Luke and he's just starting to heal.

"I-I wasn't— poking..."

"Goodnight, Reggie!" Alex interrupts him, amused at Reggie's defensive response but he's not looking at the bassist anymore. 

And with that, Reggie gives up on calling Alex's attention and heads straight to his bed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Questions for this time around: How has your year started so far? Is Reggie purposefully a tease? Is Alex an awesome gift-giver?


	5. Only fools

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> By the time November ends, Reggie thinks he can't handle one more second of this pinning. He's promptly lost his fight. 
> 
> It's like he can't think straight. 
> 
> Literally.
> 
> Every little thing Alex does takes his breath away. Renders him so fucking helpless his head feels clouded, more than usual. 
> 
> It's getting out of hand when Reggie can't focus on anything else other than daydreaming about kissing him. And not even his meds help anymore. 
> 
> So, he figures he has to do something about this. 
> 
> Get it over with for real. 
> 
> He already tried doing nothing, so, his only other option was this. 
> 
> Kiss Alex, have him reject you and then feel like shit all the way to New Year's eve. That was the plan. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, huge thanks to [Gert](https://cqssqndrq.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr who helped again with beta reading for this chapter, too. You're a total sweetheart.
> 
> Any remaining mistake is on me!

_October, 1996_

Alex moves softly; methodically natural like he's off the ground. It's liberating, it's like he's outside of his own body. 

A wandering free soul just twirling and dragging and tapping. He keeps his eyes closed every time they have a free-style period. 

Because dancing is the only way he quiets down his thoughts since he's no longer playing. 

He feels a knot in his throat in the song's crescendo and Luke's eyes pop in his head. He's upset, he's angry. He wants Alex to play again, Alex imagines.

There's an anxious feeling bubbling up, cooking in the back of his head, that things will be so difficult when Luke comes here. 

But Alex kicks off his heels and he jumps, swings one long leg around and he's twirling again. Spin after spin. Balanced, collected, spotless. Everything he wishes he could be on a regular basis. 

He bends, moves his arms around, moves his hands through his body, looks up at himself in the mirror, and flashes a daring smirk. 

It makes him think of Reggie, then. 

Reggie, who's been catching his eye longer than safe lately. Reggie, who stuck straws under his upper lip to be funny in the cafeteria. Reggie, who was the first person Alex ever told he was gay. 

Because there was a light inside Reggie that burned endlessly bright and it coated you in its warmth.

Effortlessly, Reggie just made your life seem better than it actually was. 

Alex just hoped he could get to make Reggie feel the way he makes Alex feel. 

"Hey, Mercer, your boyfriend's here," Alex hears after the music is cut; he was about to be done anyway. 

He frowns and turns to find Reggie resting against the door frame, arms crossed and eyes so deep Alex almost gasped. 

"That's hilarious, John," Alex mutters to his classmate. 

John was gay as hell, too. Alex knew. And John knew about him, too. So it was easy to give each other shit. 

Alex liked him, but only as a friend. John didn't seem to like that, though. 

Alex walks over to Reggie, after grabbing a towel to dry his sweat. "Hey," he breathes with a question on his face. 

Reggie looks at him with a smile so big and so soft Alex feels weak in the knees but it's probably just the dancing. "H-hi." 

"I thought you said the movie didn't start until eight," Alex wonders. 

Reggie blinks and adjusts himself on his spot. "No, no, it does, I just— I was around and I thought I'd come see you dance before one of your big shows, you know?" He explains. "But I can come back later, when you're done," he adds, trying to take a step back. 

Alex holds his forearm. "No, no, I'm already done. It's fine," he says, then realizes he's gripping too hard and lets go. "Lemme go change and we can go, alright?" 

Reggie nods happily and Alex can feel that happiness rub on him. 

They're making their way to the theater in the chilly, bright streets of New York when Reggie goes, quietly. 

"Can I ask you something? But, I want you to be honest." 

"When have I ever lied to you?" Alex retorts with a smile. 

Reggie shakes his head. "No. But I mean, this could be the first time. ‘Cause you don't wanna hurt my feelings or som—"

"What are you gonna ask, Reggie?" Alex cuts again, amused.

Reggie stops in their tracks and gives him one cryptic look, but his smile is shy.

"Do you like it more? Dancing, I mean." 

Alex stares at a tree in the back, his head is empty. Somehow, his heart isn't. 

"No," he says, firmly, slowly moving his eyes to look at his friend. 

Reggie raises one finger. "See, now, I feel like you just lied," he accuses, and turns on his heel to start walking backward, facing Alex. "Because I just saw you in there and it was— magical, Alex, I mean, the way you moved wa—" 

Alex pulls him by the arm before he trips and crashes into a fire hydrant, holding him close to his chest. 

"Be careful," Alex scolds, but Reggie's scent is all up on his face.

He can see Reggie swallow and let go of him too quickly for it to be casual. 

They keep doing this _weird_ dance and Alex feels at a loss of logic. 

This is Reggie. He doesn't feel confused around Reggie. If anything, he feels clearer, smarter. 

Reggie turns to walk right and stuffs his hands in his jeans, zips his mouth close. 

Alex takes a breath. "And, yeah, I enjoy dancing a lot, obviously. But that doesn't mean I like it more than music," he says, Reggie's just walking, quiet, next to him. 

Alex feels like he has to go further. Quiet Reggie unsettles him more than Reckless and Dumb Reggie.

"I just— like it differently," Alex goes, shrugging. "I mean, I enjoy being in the back when we play, but it’s also nice to be front-center when I dance, to have people’s attention on me when I move." 

Reggie turns his head just a little. "Well, we can put you up on the front if ya want," he offers. 

Alex smiles but he does half a shake of his head. "That’s not it, Reggie," he says. Then he looks at him, assuringly. "I love playing drums, it's a part of me. It helps me express myself. It sets me free in a different way than dancing does. I wouldn’t have that change. I just—"

Alex thinks it, it dawns on him, and he realizes his truth.

"I don’t think I have to choose, really. I know I can’t dance and play drums at the same time but the thing is, if I made a living out of one or the other...I’d be happy either way. I believe you can love a lot of things in life equally, it doesn't have to be a competition," he finishes. 

Reggie still looks down, though. "Then why haven’t you picked up drumming again?" 

Reggie looks more worried than upset. Alex stops to stare at him. "Is that it?" Alex wonders and Reggie moves his eyebrows in a helpless reply. "I told you I wanted to focus on my classes. I thought you understood—"

"I do!" Reggie says, defensively, but Alex is only soft for him. Reggie collects himself. "I mean, I try to— I just…" 

Reggie cuts himself off. Now, this makes Alex get worried. 

"What?"

Reggie fidgets with his fingers before he drags one shoulder up. He looks up and his eyes shine bright, matching the sparkly cyan of the city lights. 

"I don't wanna lose you," Reggie says so quietly Alex feels like he heard his thoughts more than he heard him actually speak. 

"Reggie…" 

"What? Is true," Reggie says, his face screwed. "Like, Luke’s been gone for forever now and if we have to find a new drummer when he comes back, I think it’s gonna suck bec—" 

Alex claws Reggie's shoulder and shakes him, interrupting him. "You’re not going to lose me, you huge ass dork," he says, then he bends his arm to pull Reggie by his neck to a sideways hug. "There’s literally nothing you could do to get rid of me," he says. 

No. He _promises_. 

~☆~

By the time November ends, Reggie thinks he can't handle one more second of this pinning. He's promptly lost his fight. 

It's like he can't think straight. 

_Literally_.

Every little thing Alex does takes his breath away. Renders him so fucking helpless his head feels clouded, more than usual. 

It's getting out of hand when Reggie can't focus on anything else other than daydreaming about kissing him. And not even his meds help anymore. 

So, he figures he has to do something about this. 

Get it over with for real. 

He already tried doing nothing, so, his only other option was this. 

Kiss Alex, have him reject you and then feel like shit all the way to New Year's eve. That was the plan. 

How he'd get around doing it was, however, the tricky part. 

But the holidays had him inspired, so he sets up their dorm with all the decorations, putting his hand-drawn paper mistletoe attached to the ceiling with tape. 

Hey, he had a last-minute idea. Cut him some slack. 

"Happy Hanukkah, Regs!" Alex greets him, getting home. Reggie stands in the middle of the small living room, his hands clasped together. "Wow, you did all this?" 

Reggie loved the holidays. Even the catholic ones. 

Alex wraps himself around him and Reggie goes dizzy, has to remind himself he has a course plan to follow. 

"Did you already light the menorah?" 

Reggie shakes his head. 

It really means a lot to him that Alex seems to care so much about his religious beliefs, even though Reggie barely does. 

  
  


"You think it'd be alright if I did it with you? Since I'm catholic and all," Alex wonders. 

Reggie doesn't give a single shit, honestly. 

"I think it's alright," he says, though. 

Alex changes to a big, warm white sweater and then sits by the table as Reggie lights up the shamash, surprised he still remembers the blessings. Even the Shehecheyanu. 

Then Reggie brings in the eggnog and they play scrabble by the candlelight. It's so easy and simple, Reggie doesn't feel like he has to do his plan anymore. 

Maybe he can hold on till the new year starts and Luke comes back and Reggie doesn't have to ruin his friendship with Alex forever because of some stupid unrequited feelings. 

But then Alex licks his lips off the drink and Reggie feels a sting in his chest. It's painful, it's painful to stare. To have him that close and not taste the sweet off his lips. 

"Let's dance!" Reggie blurts, standing up fast. 

Then he moves to the radio and he puts in the CD. His boy Frank won't fail him now. 

When he turns, Alex is standing slowly, almost sleepily, and Reggie comes to think Alex might not want to do any of this at all. 

Except Sinatra starts singing and Alex chuckles. " _Romantic_ , Reginald," he jokes. 

God, if only Alex knew Reggie was holding every breath for him. 

He gathers his courage and says, smug: " _Always_ , Alexander." 

He offers Alex his hand to lead. Like he'd offer his heart so Alex would take care of it. 

He'd trust Alex to hold his very life. 

And Alex takes it without hesitation and a small smile, puts his hand on Reggie's lower back and Reggie grips his shoulder to ground himself. 

They move in sync, just one body split in two, like they do when they play. Reggie lets himself get so caught up he actually moves closer until he has his head tucked under Alex's chin in an odd angle but so, so warm. 

He swallows and his entire friendship with Alex plays in front of his eyes.

From their first time meeting by the playground, Alex borrowing him a blue crayon. Alex introducing him to Luke, Alex helping him pick his first bass. Alex telling him with tears in his eyes that he liked boys when they were thirteen. 

Alex had been a constant in his life, a permanent hand to hold. His cornerstone. 

He shoots his eyes up to his silly attempt to cast some valor from the abstract paper mistletoe, and as he does, he throws Alex off the dance and makes him look up, too. 

"What— wait, is that a _drawing_ of a mistletoe?" Alex asks, confused, and he lowers his chin at Reggie, who's whispering a mantra of now or never as he begins to close his eyes.

Trying to close the distance between him and Alex. 

Except Alex draws his head back, squeezing Reggie's right hand in his.

"What are you doing?" Alex asks, but he doesn't look angry. He looks like Reggie's lost his mind. 

He might as well have. 

"What does it look like I'm doing? I wanna kiss you, Alex!" Reggie replies, exasperated. He'd take rejection but not Alex not following. 

" _Why_?" Alex breathes. It's both a whisper and a yell; it's the same tone Alex used when he asked him why Reggie ate pickles with mustard. 

Reggie plainly frowns at him, their hands are still clasped together. "'Why'? What kind of question is that?" he says. "Why do we ever wanna do anything? I've wanted to kiss you for forever now. It's all I've thought about for the past four months," he just lays it out. 

All of it. 

He can't believe Alex isn't taking his word or his actions for it. 

"What?" Alex still asks, baffled. 

Reggie looks to the other side, it's like he can't stop his mouth from spilling. "Well, sometimes I think about you kissing me, too. That'd be swell—"

"Reggie," Alex puts his hands on his shoulders and grounds him, blue deep into green. "If this is you doing some kind of testing…" 

Alex is afraid. Afraid Reggie's just being silly and curious. 

Reggie wants to cry a little, still wants to kiss him a lot. 

"Alex, dammit, I wanna kiss you," he says again, clearer, his hands on top of Alex's on his shoulders. "I wanna kiss you like I've never wanted to kiss someone in my whole fucking life!" 

Reggie didn't intend to shout; this is not how he imagined this would go. Suddenly, he understands why Alex gets frustrated when he doesn't get anything. 

Or maybe Alex just can't take him seriously. 

God, that was it. 

Reggie lowers his head and sighs. "I get it, I get it," he says, low, and drops his grip. He starts to turn away, going: "Just, stupid Reggie you aren’t into. I under—" 

But Alex grabs Reggie's arm and twists him around, one hand to his waist, the other to the back of his neck, and his mouth _crashes_ against his. 

It's exactly what Reggie dreamed it'd be plus two. It was rush and sparkles and quiet fire spreading heat and ohmygod, is Alex sticking his tongue—

"Oh my god, you kissed me," Reggie breathes at Alex's shiny, wet lips. His heart's gonna jump out the fucking window. Reggie's eyes go wide. "Holy shit, you and I are making out— are we making out?" 

Alex lets out an exasperated breath but he looks just as confusedly excited. "Well, not anymore."

Reggie shakes his head. He wanted this so bad yet he still can't believe it did happen. "We never did that."

"I _know_."

Reggie bites his lower lip and looks up for the first time. Alex looks like he's holding his breath. 

"...I wanna do it again," Reggie says. 

Alex tilts his head. "Well, maybe if you'd shut—" Alex tries to snark before Reggie pushes his mouth against his, again. 

This one is gentler, slow. While Alex had been an abrupt shout, Reggie was making a statement. A reaffirmation. 

He wanted this and he was damn making it show. 

He puts his hands on both sides of Alex's neck and twists his head to roll his tongue on Alex's lips before he can part them swiftly, making Alex grip his hips harder. 

Reggie engages then, and he starts pushing Alex towards the couch before Alex wraps his arm around Reggie's waist and pulls him down, sitting on his lap as Alex sits on the couch. 

A low 'hmmmm' vibrates in Reggie's throat and Alex moves his hands down to cup his ass, their lips not parting. 

God, Alex was touching his butt. 

"What?" Alex whispers when Reggie breaks the kiss to chuckle at his own silly brain. 

Maybe the eggnog had an effect. But he feels good, though. "Nothing, I just thought, 'oh, my God, Alex is touching my butt'," he says, still laughing through his nose a little. 

Alex raises his eyebrows, a sarcastic smile on his face. "I know, 'cause I'm him," he replies, then he moves his hands to run on Reggie's legs instead. He looks up at him, wondering look on his face: "Do you not want me to do that?" 

"No, no, please do!" Reggie's quick to say and Alex's eyebrows move downwards, a little funny. "Agh, I'm ruining the moment, aren't I?" Reggie sighs, crashing against Alex's chest.

Alex runs his fingers down Reggie's spine; they feel exactly like Reggie had imagined in the shower a thousand times. 

Then he rolls his other hand up, places it on Reggie's cheek, and makes him look at him. "Nah. The moment's just perfect," Alex just says, before he dives in again. 

Reggie realizes, investedly, that, much like with everything in life, Alex can't stay put. It must be an anxiety thing, the way his hands just can't stop moving. 

Reggie almost envies that ability to do _this_ with your mouth at the same time you're doing _that_ with your hands. 

It's like Alex can't get enough of him and Reggie _growls_ on top of him. 

It makes Alex pull on his lower lip with his teeth; Reggie marvels at how graceful Alex is that he didn't draw blood. 

" _Shit_ , Reggie," Alex curses, hands big on Reggie's back. Reggie barely has time to register that he made Alex lose his cool when Alex draws in a breath and tugs Reggie's hair just a bit so he'd tilt his chin up, exposing his neck. 

Then Alex is rolling his tongue across it, sucking hard on Reggie's Adam's apple before he goes up to nibble his ear. 

A moan escapes Reggie's mouth and it's so embarrassingly loud he almost wants to cover his mouth, but Alex grins into his neck and grips his hair so hard that Reggie can't help but think he must be doing something right. 

Which, suddenly, makes him remember something. 

"Alex, I've never—" Reggie mutters, looking up at the ceiling as Alex's still sucking marks on his neck. 

But Alex draws away slowly, to meet Reggie's eyes. 

Reggie looks at him, lips swollen and pink, face flushed, eyes deep. Alex looks messy. Reggie did that. 

"Yeah, no, I figured you weren't getting around having lousy hand job sessions with other guys at school, Reggie. It's fi—" 

"No, no. I don't mean just with guys," Reggie's quick to clarify. 

He's not exactly sure why he brought it up. He knows it killed the mood and now he definitely won't be popping his cherry tonight. 

But he figured Alex had to know, right? It was a principle. 

Shit, but he was still half-hard, though. 

"But what about Katherine Michaels? You said—" 

"Luke wouldn't shut up about all the girls he fooled around with, I had to make something up. Kate only let me touch one boob and then we both freaked out about it," he shares, embarrassed. 

He untangles himself from Alex's lap and sits beside him instead. He feels like his own personal enemy, a total saboteur. 

"Reggie…" Alex tries to put a hand on his shoulder. 

"No, okay. Can you blame me? Everyone in high school's always talking about sex and fucking and having your dick sucked and—" 

"Yeah, yeah. I get it, okay? I had to do my own share of pretending just to fit in, remember?" Alex says, his hands up defensively. 

A small, understanding smile is drawing on Alex's flustered face. 

Something else settles in Reggie's gut. 

But he still has to ask: "Have you…"

Alex blinks slowly before he nods, tilting his head. "Yeah," he says, for clearance. 

"Oh, now that makes it even worse!" Reggie complains, getting up. 

"Why?" Alex asks but now he looks like he's amused. Like Reggie's being silly. 

He probably was being silly. It was ridiculous to hope Alex hadn't done anything before. Alex was a catch, and Reggie just learned this, like, _very_ recently but Alex was also daring and dominant— of course he'd get around. 

Any guy would be lucky to have Alex. Or have Alex have him? 

See? Reggie didn't even know how it worked. He hadn't done _research_ for this. God, where was he gonna find gay porn? 

"Reggie?" Alex calls for him when Reggie gets eaten by his babbling brain. 

Reggie thinks of why this sucks. It has more to do with him than with Alex's own experience. He looks down. "Because now I'm gonna look like a fool to you." 

Alex smiles at him. "Reggie, you always look like a fool to me. Regardless of you having had sex before or not," he jokes. 

Reggie knows it's for his sake, to lighten up the mood, but he's not feeling very merry anymore. 

Maybe if he drank more eggnog…

"Alright, come here," Alex asks, his hand raising to grab Reggie's and drag him to sit again. When Reggie complies, Alex puts his hand on his chin to make him look up. "You know I don't mind it at all, right? If all, I'm a little upset just because we didn't make you feel welcome enough that you felt the need to lie about it instead." 

"It wasn't your fault," Reggie makes sure to say. 

"I know. But still. And I know it takes a lot for you to admit this now, Regs, but it was important that you did," Alex says. 

"Why?" Reggie asks, frowning.

Alex bites his lower lip and it's absolutely stunning how he can make it look both tender yet sexy.

He intertwines his fingers with Reggie's before he kisses them. 

"Because, if you let me, I'd wanna take care of you," Alex explains, softly. 

Reggie's not entirely sure how or what even Alex means by that, but he would trust him with anything. 

Wreck him or save him, he was Alex's since the very moment he kissed his forehead in that sweet gesture of friendship months ago.

Wreck him or save him, he was more intrigued and aroused at the prospect of Alex making him taste heaven than he was afraid of the whole logistics of butt-sex. 

"I don't know anyone else I'd trust more to be careful with me," Reggie says, shrugging. Like it's that simple. 

Cause it was. 

Alex gives him another soft peck before he parts. "You want more eggnog?" He asks, cheerfully, before he stands up. 

Reggie blinks, startled. "I— uhm." 

"Regs, I didn't mean _tonight_ ," Alex says, smiling. 

Now, that was just downright cruel. 

Reggie literally pouts.

Not another fucking cold shower, it was snowing outside _goddamit_. 

Alex bends to caress his face. "Look, up until tonight you hadn't even kissed a guy before. You're not about to go the whole way, ok? Not if I can help it," he says, a hand on Reggie's chin before he drops another kiss on his lips. 

Reggie wished Alex knew he has a million questions in his head and he's really upset he won't be getting answers any time soon. 

"Ok, but I hope you really _do_ help it when the time is right," Reggie warns, closing his arms. 

"Oh, a little demanding, are we?" Alex asks, an eyebrow arching. "I don't think I like that attitude, maybe I'll have to withdraw my offer…" 

"No!" Reggie holds Alex's hands. "Alex, no. I'll wait. I promise," he says, fast. Alex smiles down at him. "I trust you." 

"And I'll do everything to keep that trust, Reggie. That I promise you," he says, something deepened in his eyes. 

Alex gets up to get more eggnog when Reggie wonders: "Hey, who did you have sex with then? Cause, like, who else was gay in school?"

Alex stops in his tracks for a brief second before he replies: "A gentleman doesn't kiss and tell, Reginald." 

Then he disappears into the kitchen. 

Blah. It was probably Tim Moskovitz from the drama club. He seemed gay for sure. 

He also beat Reggie in the spelling contest in fourth grade. 

Yeah, Reggie hated him just a little. 

He got to kiss Alex a few more times that night, one better than the next but by the time they were too sleepy to even move from each other, Alex had to press the brakes. 

"We have to go to sleep," Alex says. 

Reggie's splashed all over him on the couch, it mustn't be comfortable, but he's gone. "Mmhm," he agrees. 

Alex sighs and he gathers his own strength, untangles himself from under Reggie, and then fetches him, like he's weightless. 

Reggie wraps his legs around Alex like he used to do to his mom up until age eleven and rests his chin on Alex's shoulder. 

However, as Alex's about to deposit him on his bed, Reggie does something he certainly didn't do to his mom and pulls Alex down with him. 

Alex doesn't protest at all this time, kicks off his shoes and then Reggie's before he wraps himself around Reggie, spooning him. 

Reggie drifted off to the all-too-familiar feeling of safety he had felt growing up as a kid but had long since forgotten as a teenager, when everything started to go to hell in his home. 

His previous home. 

Because his only home now was here, tucked between Alex's arms. 

Reggie wakes up to the lavender soap smell of his pillow and warmth wrapped around his middle. 

Alex was curled up behind him, disheveled and gorgeous as ever. 

And Reggie had woken up cuddling next to Alex dozens of times before but this was different. So, so different. 

And yet, not that much. 

Reggie turns uncomfortably, trying not to untangle Alex's arms around him, and faces him. 

Alex has his eyes closed but his grin is wide. 

"Are you gonna say something corny?" Alex says, his eyes still closed. 

"What? Like, 'I'm so glad I didn't dream this'?" Reggie replies and he's glad Alex can't see how big his smile is. "Do I peg you as that type of guy?" 

"No, you peg me as the silly one. Like, the one who says they don't mind the morning breath," Alex jokes, his eyes shutting further. 

Reggie tries to shrug. "Guilty," he says, before he pushes Alex on his back to throw himself on top and kiss him dumb. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all liked this one, it's certainly one of my favorites that I've written so far. Questions for this time around: are Reggie and Alex huge fools? Do you think we have to choose between things we love? Do miss Luke and pretend you don't like Alex does?


	6. Would it be a sin?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex puts a hand on his shoulder before Reggie can swing the door open. "Wait. I have a surprise," Alex says. 
> 
> Reggie sends a prayer. This was it. 
> 
> And Alex covers Reggie's eyes with his left hand and goes to open the door with his right. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **TINY WARNING** for this one: there's a brief depiction of low sense of worth due to religious beliefs, internalized homophobia, and conversion therapy mention. 
> 
> HUGE THANKS to my best gal [Ysa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/multindproud/profile) for checking this one out. 
> 
> I know it's shorter than the one before, but, trust me, I got _good_ things coming ahead. (You guys will notice I have already set a chapter count for the work— it's at least the estimated count, but it might end up being more if I get carried away. What I hope you'll gather from this is that I have already drawn an outline and you ain't gotta worry about this work being left unfinished ;) 
> 
> also, side note, just to ease you guys even more: I'm half on my way in quarantine because I got people around me with COVID-19 symptoms so, again, I've got nothing else to do but sit and write this thing heh)

_December, 1996_

After that night, everything seems to fall into place. 

Everything stays exactly the same except he can breathe around Alex again. Well, when Alex lets him, that is. 

Alex has become quite addicted to kissing him unprompted when they're alone.

Which is a lot these past few days because classes are about to be over and they only have a few rehearsals, mostly just Alex for one big dance function he's doing with his other classmates to gather funds for an orphanage. 

Reggie feels on Cloud 9, it's what he does. He's not sure he's ever been this happy before. 

And Alex hadn't even touched him anywhere below the belt yet. 

He was gonna lose it when it happens. 

But as he's done research (keeping the number of the guy who organized Tanya Brooks' talk had definitely been helpful. And who the hell knew there were so many LGBT-related books?), he realizes it doesn't matter. 

He's always been curious about stuff. Space, music, that time he got obsessed with pastries cooking... 

Why would sex be the exception? 

He's just really excited. 

Alex puts a hand on his shoulder before Reggie can swing the door open. "Wait. I have a surprise," Alex says. 

Reggie sends a prayer. This was it. 

And Alex covers Reggie's eyes with his left hand and goes to open the door with his right. 

When he uncovers Reggie's eyes again, he sees it immediately. Lying there shiny in the back of the living room. 

Alex's drum set.

Reggie's smile widens. "You finally unpacked it," he mutters.

Alex shrugs and smiles at him. "I'm feeling better now. Been a lot less anxious— got you to thank for that, so,” he explains, tilting to brush their shoulders together.

  
“Really?” Reggie still asks, shyly. 

Alex narrows his eyes. “I don't know if it’s cute or slightly worrying that you don’t seem to believe me when I tell you how good you make me feel,” he says. 

Reggie moves one shoulder. “It’s not that. It’s just— you know, you’ve never _not_ been anxious. It’s like me with ADHD, I’ve never not been 'AHH',” Reggie does a little mock-scream as he puts his hands around his head. 

Alex chuckles and turns, puts his hands on Reggie's hips, and leans closer. “No, yeah, no. I’m not saying we’re, like, neurotypical now but, you know, we do each other well, I think," he says, then he rests his forehead against Reggie's. 

Reggie melts into it. “Yeah— wait, what’s neurotypical?” 

Alex closes his eyes and shakes his head with a smile before he drops a kiss on him. “Let's go play some music.”

"Yeah!" Reggie shouts excitedly and Alex watches him go with something deep in his chest. 

He's about to go grab his drumsticks on the coffee table when the phone rings. Alex frowns, it was past seven. 

"Hello?" Alex speaks into the line. 

“Alex! Hey!” Alex hears that very distinctive, just high-on-energy voice. 

Shit. He missed him. “L-Luke?”

“Oh my God, man. It’s been for fucking _ever_ ," Luke breathes into the line. Alex can visibly picture that bright smile. "God, I’ve missed your voice. I've missed _you._ ”

Alex's heart flutters and sinks at the same time. 

“Uhm...yeah. We’ve missed you, too,” Alex says, bringing Reggie into the conversation or else he'd suffocate on old, forgotten things.

  
“Oh, is Reggie there?” Luke asks, sparing Reggie the same earnest emotion. 

Alex looks over his shoulder, the room's still empty. “Yeah— wait. Hey, it’s Luke,” Alex shouts and then hears what's evidently Reggie running and tripping on his way to Alex holding the phone. “Ok, don't hurt yourself,” he says in a dead tone and tries not to grin when he hears Luke chuckle on the other line. 

Reggie rips the phone from Alex's hands.

“Oh my God. Hi, Luke!” he says, smile wide on his face. 

“Hi, Regs,” Luke replies happily, Alex can still hear his voice through the earphone. 

“How’s Italy?” Reggie asks and nods when Luke answers him. “He says it was great but he's in Austria now,” Reggie repeats for Alex. 

“Wow,” Alex whispers, raising his eyebrows, then he moves to press on the 'speaker' button. 

“Yeah, but what about you, guys? What have you been up to?” Luke asks. 

Alex shrugs, trying to play nonchalance. “Not much—”

“Actually, we’re gonna play some music now— hey, you’re not gonna believe this, Alex just—” Alex slaps Reggie's arm hard, his eyes shooting a threat. Reggie's quick to say then: “Bought ham!” 

Reggie is quick, not smart. 

Alex squints his eyes at him. 

“Ham?” Luke asks, confused. 

Alex almost glares before he sighs and shakes his head, rubbing his temple. “Yeah, ham— it was on sale. It’s large, like a man’s leg. A short man’s leg. With thick thighs—” God, he's getting off track. “You know what? We’ll take a picture. I’ll show it to you when you come here.”

“Yeah. About that…” Luke trails and Alex braces himself for bad news about how he's staying away longer. “It might be a little earlier,” Luke says, happily.

“What?” Reggie asks, excitedly. 

Alex smiles, too. 

"Are you sure, though? Cause you know sabbatical usually means a year, right?”

Luke sighs. “I know but I'm done. I mean, yeah, everything here is beautiful and great but I don’t care. I realized— it’s you guys," he says, heavy breathing into the line. "Wherever you guys are, that’s my favorite place to be.” 

“Aww,” Reggie says, hand on his chest, and Alex feels his face soften, smiling faintly but very touched. “You can’t see him but I think Alex is about to cry—”

“ _Okay._ I’m fine—" Alex cuts him off, then he leans a little closer to the phone. "That’s very sweet, Luke. But you know fall semester’s almost over already, right?” 

“Yeah, yeah, it’s fine. I can get a job until classes start again, I hope. I don’t care, I just— I need to go back,” Luke says, he sounds almost desperate. 

But the good kind.

“Like for Eve?” 

“I'm not sure. All flights are booked, I’m probably gonna be on waiting lists. But I just needed to tell you. And hear your voices— oh, and, Reggie, is Hanukkah still going?”

“Yep. Just three more days,” Reggie answers. 

“Well, happy Hanukkah, man,” Luke says. 

Reggie smiles fondly. “Thanks.” 

They can hear Luke take a big inhale. Alex can almost see him puffing his chest with that big, shiny smile. “Alright. I'll see you soon,” he says. 

“Yeah,” Alex replies, actually hopeful.

“Bye. We love you!” Reggie shouts, leaning his chin towards the speaker. 

“Me too. Bye, guys,” Luke says before Alex cuts the line with a weird tug. 

Reggie, in his end, is absolutely happy. “Luke’s coming back soon. That’s awesome!” he says at Alex's head. 

Alex wants to smile but his face won't give in. He feels full, and not in a good way. 

He turns on his heel in silence and Reggie seems to catch up. “Hey, are you okay?" Reggie asks, at his back. "Why didn’t you want me to tell Luke you’re playing again?” 

Alex shrugs, making his way to the coffee table to grab his sticks. “He didn’t even know I stopped in the first place, so what’s the point?” 

Reggie seems to take that just fine, tilting his head in a tiny nod. Then he smiles excitedly again. “I can't wait to hear all his stories, God— you know he told me in a postcard he can just take a train and be in, like, five different countries over hours? Just hours!” 

Alex clasps his hands together, the sticks crashing in his palms, to call Reggie's attention. “Regs— I don’t wanna talk about Luke right now,” he says, but he doesn't sound jerky about it. 

Reggie blinks at him. “Oh.”

“We were gonna play, remember?” he reminds Reggie, who lights up like the tiny Christmas tree he himself set up in their dorm. 

And now Alex’s stomach _really_ felt up for wailing on the drums. 

~☆~

It's chilly right outside the Church; Alex feels his cheeks burn a little and he hugs himself tighter. He looks up the imposing entrance of the place and feels like every time he's gonna enter a sacred temple. 

Is he gonna burst into flames? 

"Hey," Reggie asks behind him as he hands Alex the candles they're lighting up for Christmas Eve. He's all red in the nose and pretty. 

Alex doesn't think a merciful God would send a kind guy like Reggie to Hell, would he? 

"Is it okay that I do this?" Reggie asks, but he probably means because he's Jewish. Not because Alex has perverted his ways. 

No. That's not him thinking. It's fucking conversion therapy. 

He's doing it again. He's overthinking. 

No, God loves him. He loves them. Right? 

The Church bells ring loud, echoing all the way through the foggy streets. 

Alex smiles. 

"That's our answer," he tells Reggie and they go in for Mass. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sidenote: the word 'neurodivergent' became popular in the 90s so I'm just going to assume neurotypical did, too. Any linguistics historian reading this, I am so sorry. 
> 
> SO, questions for this time around: do you think Luke will make it before New Years'? on a scale of 1 to 10, how excited do you think Reggie is to have sex? why do you think Alex didn't want to play drums before, _for real_?


	7. Rush in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was really damn hard that Reggie had to wait till they got back home to properly kiss him like he had wanted to. 
> 
> Alex smiles into the kiss, amused. "Reggie, let me lock the door—" he mutters into his lips, Reggie relaxes but he's still holding Alex's face between his hands.
> 
> "Do you have any idea how amazing you are?" Reggie says, close at Alex's face. He feels like his chest is gonna burst if he doesn't say it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **WARNING** for this one: there's a scene with a few **descriptions of sex**. Like I said, I won't get too graphic about it, but the picture is painted. Proceed accordingly. 
> 
> HUGE THANKS to my best gal [Ysa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/multindproud/profile) for checking this one out. 
> 
> SIDENOTE: I'm currently looking for beta help for the next chapters because my other beta got busy with life, sadly. So, hit me up in the comments or at [alexreggieluke](https://buckybear.co.vu/) at Tumblr if you're willing to lend me a hand, it would mean a lot <3

_Late December, 1996_

  
  


"I'll see you after the show," Alex says backstage, holding his hand just at the door. 

"Alright. Break a leg," Reggie wishes him tenderly, giving Alex a kiss before he goes into the dressing room. 

Reggie finds his saved seat in no time and then braces himself for the show. 

Even if there was no spotlight, he wouldn't have been able to take his eyes off Alex. He was mesmerizing, even more marvelous than Reggie had seen him the other day. 

Alex was free. He moved up and down slowly, his limbs to the sides with the soft melody of the music; sweet tunes of violin and piano. 

It wasn't just soothing to watch, it was moving; captivating. It went so deep that even thousands of feet apart Reggie could see Alex's soul right there. Exposed for everyone to witness. 

And his soul? It was beautiful. 

Reggie got up with everyone else, clapping his heart out, and didn't even bother to dry his cheeks. 

Every time they played, he didn't get to see Alex shine this way, he only heard him. And it's not that Alex wasn't amazing on the drums, he was. 

But Reggie had never seen him come alive like this. Alex _glowed_. 

It was really damn hard that Reggie had to wait till they got back home to properly kiss him like he had wanted to. 

Alex smiles into the kiss, amused. "Reggie, let me lock the door—" he mutters into his lips. Reggie relaxes but he's still holding Alex's face between his hands.

"Do you have any idea how amazing you are?" Reggie says, close at Alex's face. He feels like his chest is gonna burst if he doesn't say it. 

And Alex does that cute thing of looking down shyly, not taking the compliment. 

Quick, where can Reggie rent airplane signs so he can tell Alex how awesome he is? 

"I'm serious. That last dance was— ah!" Reggie shouts and kisses him again. 

And he means it. He can't contain the amount of love he feels for Alex right now. 

So he presses Alex against the closed door and makes sure to show him instead. 

He rolls his hands to rest around Alex's neck and he breathes in, sucking on Alex's lower lip, filling in his lungs so he can dive in again.

Slowly, tickling the hairs of the back of Alex's head as his tongue taps on Alex's, wetly, sweetly. He can taste the sparkly water Alex had after his show. 

Reggie draws his head back up again and Alex chases after his lips; Reggie smirks. He's not trying to tease but it's good to know he's not the only one who's eager. 

"Alex, I-I want..." there's a knot in Reggie's throat but it's not because he's nervous. 

It's cause he's never wanted something so badly.

Alex kisses him gingerly, holding Reggie's chin with one finger. "I know, darling," he whispers, resting his forehead against Reggie's. 

Alex takes a deep breath at his face and Reggie wonders what even is Alex hesitating about. He's the one who has a remote idea of what they're about to do. 

The blond rolls his hands across Reggie's arm until they fall on his hands, to hold them. To intertwine their fingers. 

"You know once we do this there's no going back, right?" Alex whispers, his face not moving from resting against Reggie's. "We could be ruining our friendship," Alex says, looking down.

"We weren't that close anyway," Reggie says, jokingly, and Alex parts from him to throw his head back in a laugh. 

"Reggie, I'm serious," he says, but he's smiling. 

Reggie gives him another breath-taking kiss. "So was I when I told you I don't trust anyone else to take care of me. And there's nobody else in the world I'd rather do this with right now." 

Alex's eyes bore into his and Reggie's head is empty. Empty of fears and bad tastes in the mouth. Empty of dirty fights and nasty blows and bitter tears. 

Empty of every time he's liked someone who didn't like him back. 

It's just Alex in it. 

"Alex, you're my best friend," Reggie says, like that's a love confession on its own. 

Alex bites his bottom lip as his eyes sparkle before he takes Reggie's mouth in his again, almost lifting him off the ground with the force of his pull. 

Then Alex is pushing _him_ against the wall, biting his neck. He rolls the tip of his tongue across the arch of Reggie's neck until he lands on his mouth again. 

Alex bucks their hips together and a moan escapes from Reggie's mouth. It's a guttural, raw sound. Alex stops for a split second and looks at him stunned; his eyes are blown dark. 

Reggie's about to apologize for the noise when Alex presses their bodies again, putting his lips against Reggie's ear. "Do you know how fucking hot that is?" He whispers. 

Reggie feels heavy in his pants. Alex grabs his jaw softly and kisses his neck again, right below his left ear, before he presses his hips against Reggie's again. 

Ok and now he can _feel_ Alex through his pants every time he bucks. Shit. He whimpers again and it fuels the drummer. Reggie feels really proud of himself. 

Alex keeps rubbing their bodies together through fabric until Reggie feels dizzy and unable to take it anymore. 

"Ah, fuck me," Reggie breathes. It's supposed to be a curse, not a request. Maybe it's his brain-to-mouth filter not working again. 

Alex doesn't seem bothered, though. 

He grins like the Cheshire cat and grabs Reggie by his legs, wraps them around himself, and carries him to his bedroom. 

Alex places him gracefully on the mattress and gives him a few kisses as he undoes Reggie's buckle. "Any of this feels like too much and you _speak_. Right away. Got it?" Alex says, reassuringly. 

Reggie doesn't know how to tell him that all this feels like is too _little._

But when Alex starts to go down on him and Reggie feels like two lungs is just not enough for one body, he figures that it's just a matter of time. 

And Alex is so good at that, taking his time. It's all about fucking _tempo_ for him. Holy shit. 

It's like Reggie's never been touched, seen, or even existed for anyone else. He looks into Alex's eyes, big and greenish-blue, and he feels loved. 

He feels safe. 

Alex kisses the sweat off his forehead after each erratic thrust and Reggie feels so good he feels out of his own body. 

"You're so good, Reggie. You're perfect," Alex mutters, heavy-breathing against his neck, and Reggie's eyes go blank as he spills between them. "It's okay, love. God, you did so fucking great," Alex adds, caressing his face. 

Reggie tastes something salty on his lips and he knows it's happy tears. He laughs after he comes from his rush, and he bends his knees closer, buckling his hips harder against Alex's body on his. 

Alex grunts in response and then he bites his cry into Reggie's collarbone. 

Alex's never been one for show, it seems. Unless you count the dancing. 

Still, he pulls out of him and Reggie feels weird; wobbly on the legs. But Alex is dead weight on him and Reggie's never wanted to die crushed by anyone as he's wanted to be crushed by Alex. 

He rolls his hand across Alex's back and opens his eyes for the first time in minutes. 

Alex's bright hair seems more golden when it's spread all over Reggie's chest. And how come he never noticed Alex had that many freckles on his back? 

"Reggie," Alex calls, his cheek turning on Reggie's peck. 

"Yeah, Lex?" Alex drags his arms to the sides to prop himself up just a little. Reggie notices they both feel sticky. 

But he doesn't mind. 

"You're my best friend, too," Alex says, his minty, sparkly-water breath up on his face, before he kisses him. 

And Reggie knew what it was then. 

He was in love. 

Later, when Alex has cleaned them up with wet towels and has rolled the blanket on them, Reggie's leaning to rest on his chest.

"I love you, Alex," he mutters, sleepily. 

Alex hugs him tighter and puffs a laugh. "That's the endorphins talking," he jokes. 

"Mmm, which dolphins?" Reggie wonders before he drifts off to the sound of Alex's laugh and the best pillow ever. 

~☆~

Alex can smell the spilled beers and Cheetos that impregnated the garage. He tries to move his limbs but there's weight on him pressing harder than gravity itself. 

He moves his hand with his eyes closed until it reaches a chunk of wavy, soft hair and he opens them just in time to greet him. 

"Good morning, gorgeous," Luke says, sleepy and beaming. 

It's not a dream, it's a memory. 

Suddenly, loud knocking on their dorm's door makes Alex jump on his spot holding Reggie. 

"No, Master Yoda, I didn't do it!" Reggie screams, jumping, confused as well. 

Alex rubs his eyes with the heel of his hand and with the other one, he runs his fingers across Reggie's shoulder when there's another loud knocking. 

"Ho-ho, it's your Christmas miracle!" 

Reggie and Alex shoot a look at each other. "Luke!" 

Reggie jumps out of the bed and runs to the door when Alex whispers loudly: "Reggie, Reggie!" 

He turns. "What?" 

"You're naked!" Alex points out, moving his eyebrows. 

Reggie looks down on himself and smiles, a little embarrassed. Then he moves to slide into a pair of shorts and nothing else. He's about to bolt out of the room when Alex stands up to grab his arm. 

"Hey, listen," Alex says but he feels his throat dry. Why is he so anxious about this? It's Luke. 

He's wanted Luke to be here since they came. Right? That's why he was pissed at him. 

God, Alex feels like he just got walked-on, it's what he feels. Like he got caught doing something bad. 

"We can't tell Luke, right?" Reggie asks, like he's reading Alex's mind. "I mean, just not yet— your best friends dating...it can be weird, right?" 

Alex blinks at him. "Dating?" he asks, a small smile on his face. 

Reggie shrugs. "Well, duh. It's what we're doing, right?" 

Alex puts one hand on his lower back and pulls him to his chest. "Yes, absolutely," he says before he kisses him. 

Reggie laughs and blushes as he parts. "Luke's waiting, c'mon," he says, but he gives Alex a little nibble before he goes. 

Alex changes into pajama pants and a shirt as he hears Reggie twisting the keys to open. 

He's walking down the hall when Luke's excited puppy figure rushes into their condo and into Reggie's arms. 

The brunette wraps his arms around Reggie's middle and pulls him off the ground, effortlessly twirling him around as Reggie giggles, ecstatic. 

Alex rests against the wall; his heart's just completely full as he watches them. 

"God, you guys have no idea how much I've missed you!" Luke says, his cheek pressed hard against the side of Reggie's face before he gives it a kiss. 

Over Reggie's shoulder, Luke glances at Alex and suddenly the blond remembers bitterness and anxious feelings. 

But Luke opens his arms around Reggie for Alex to join in and Alex remembers a promise he had made to himself after he allowed himself to fall for Luke last year: 

They were friends first. And they'd be friends last. 

So he takes one step towards them and he wraps his arms around both before all three of them start jumping on the spot, clinging to each other, happily. 

Everything was right in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO, that was that. Hope you liked this one as much as I liked writing it. 
> 
> Only one question for this time around: what do you think will happen now?


	8. Then came Act Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Welcome home,” Reggie mutters, his face turning softer. Luke nods and blinks at him in reply before Reggie runs to the bathroom. 
> 
> Luke watches him go for a second before his eyes fix themselves on Alex. His hair has grown a bit on the sides since Luke last saw him; he’s wearing plaid pajama pants and a gray, a little oversized jersey. 
> 
> He’s perfectly gorgeous. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HUGE THANKS [Annaelle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/annaelle/profile) for beta-ing this chapter. You're an absolute sweetheart 💖
> 
> And to my best gal [Ysa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/multindproud/profile) for checking it out, too.

_Late December, 1996_

Luke believes smell is an underrated sense. It helps so much when you’re gonna eat (if it smells weird, then you don’t), it helps when you’re gonna go into a place you can’t see yet (a dark alley or some public bathroom stool). 

He archives memories in his head by linking them with what he could smell at that precise moment.

And in this particular moment, all he’s caught up in is in Reggie’s No-More-Tears kids’ shampoo and that sandalwood incense Alex’s mom used to have in his house that Alex seems to love just as much. 

He smells them, one to each of his arms, and after six long months, he’s finally home. 

“Alright,” Alex breathes, parting from the hug first. He runs a hand on Reggie’s back as Luke’s still holding him. “Reggie, you have to go get ready for your Jazz bass rehearsal. We're running late already," he explains. 

Reggie’s face screws as he remembers, Luke’s just seeing him from the corner of his eyes, as they still haven’t let go completely. 

“Right. That. Yeah,” Reggie says, raising a finger at Alex as he turns to him; Luke’s arms are still hanging a little up, hovering over Reggie. He turns again, a huge smile on his face, and squeezes Luke once more. “Ahh, I'm so happy you're back!" 

Luke grins into Reggie’s collarbone when he can _feel_ just how happy. "Yeah. A little _too_ happy, too," he jokes, patting Reggie’s hip. 

Reggie almost jumps away from him. “It's— it’s the _morning_ ,” he explains, both awkwardly and offended. 

Luke isn’t even slightly bothered, because it’s not like this hasn’t ever happened to him before, so he just nods and ruffles Reggie’s hair. “We’ve all been there,” he assures him. Then he looks up at the ceiling with a tilt of his head. “Mmm, maybe I’m getting a little happy, too…” he jokes. 

Reggie chuckles and Alex shakes his head behind him. 

“Shower, Regs,” Alex reminds him, rubbing at his temples, but still smiling fondly at them. 

Luke and Reggie continue grinning at each other, caught up in their silly humor. Partners in crime. God, he missed Reggie. 

“Welcome home,” Reggie mutters, his face turning softer. Luke nods and blinks at him in reply before Reggie runs to the bathroom. 

Luke watches him go for a second before his eyes fix themselves on Alex. His hair has grown a bit on the sides since Luke last saw him; he’s wearing plaid pajama pants and a gray, a little oversized jersey. 

He’s perfectly gorgeous. 

And Luke’s spent the last few months doing nothing but sightseeing, meeting beautiful people, and seeing the most ethereal of places and yet not a single city or person in the entirety of Europe compares to the beauty of a disheveled and recently-woken up Alex. 

“Hey, you,” Luke greets again, with a special tone he’s always reserved solely for Alex as he takes a step closer to him. 

Alex smiles nervously, which is… _not_ the response Luke expected. “Hey,” he mutters, rubbing the back of his head. “Uhm, do you need help with your bags? I’ve got your room right here," he adds, pointing over his shoulder.

Luke turns to the open door, his bag on the floor. He moves and grabs it, throwing it over his shoulder. “Just the one bag,” he says, smiling. 

Alex smiles back and motions with his head for Luke to follow him to the room in the back, to the right. 

It’s neatly furnished (courtesy of Alex and Reggie’s parents, surely). One chair and a desk; the closet is wide open and empty. The single bed is far to the corner, by the window, with a great view of the city. 

They even put Poison posters on the wall for him. Luke smiles at that. 

“I tried to set it up a bit so you wouldn’t have much to work on, but then I figured— it’s your room, so, you should put what _you_ want,” Alex says. 

Luke lets the bag fall with a thud on the floor and turns to him, grinning widely. He almost leaps to Alex’s space to kiss him when...

“Hey, woah,” Alex says, hand open on Luke’s chest, pushing him away. “I— uhm, y-you can't do that,” he stutters. 

Luke frowns in confusion. “Why not?”

Alex huffs. “Why not? Uh, I don't know, ‘cause it's been six months and I haven't heard from you, maybe?” he says, sarcastically.

“I sent you postcards,” Luke replies, a little confused. 

“No. You sent _Reggie_ postcards,” Alex retorts. 

Luke rolls his eyes at that. “God, Alex, is there a difference?" 

Alex sighs, frustrated, and looks at him, dropping his defensive stance. “No. No, there isn't. That's not it, it’s just—” Alex drops his gaze off him, but Luke can still see him swallow. “It's been too long, Luke. We're not doing that anymore. _I’m_ not doing that anymore." 

“But— why not?”

Alex shakes his head, raising it up again. He looks disappointed and sad, and something twists inside Luke’s gut. 

“Because I'm not a horny teenager anymore, Luke,” Alex says, harshly. Luke closes his open mouth. “I don’t have to settle for clandestine kisses under the bleachers in high school or fumbling around in my parents' basement. I have options now, alright?” 

Luke throws his head back, taken aback by Alex’s blunt words. “Jee. I didn't know I was such a shitty one…" 

Alex lets out a frustrated sigh. “Ok, this isn't about your ego—”

“I'm not saying it is, but it's hard to not take it personally when you say stuff like that, Alex,” Luke retorts, his hand on his own chest. “It's not like you would let me make out with you in broad daylight. I mean, you're the one who was always anxious that w—”

"I'm seeing someone,” Alex cuts in; loud enough to carve in Luke’s brain. 

Something tastes like copper on his tongue. 

“...What?”

Alex’s face shifts from bitterness to just hurt. Luke thinks he’s having a really weird, really bad dream. “I’m seeing someone. We can’t kiss or fool around anymore,” Alex says, firmly, but he doesn’t dare to look at him in the eyes. 

Luke thinks that's unfair. 

Alex had time to gather back his feelings and move on from what they had, apparently. What was Luke supposed to do with all he felt for Alex now? Stuff it in his bag and shove it under the bed? 

It's not that he actually expected Alex to just not hook-up with other people, but— at least something. Just be available enough that they could still have whatever it was they had. 

Fuck, his chest was burning. 

“Hey, here you are,” Reggie says, coming in. Happy and clean, changed to a black v-neck and jeans. “Did you like your room?” he asks Luke, hands on his hips. 

Luke blinks to keep his eyes from watering up as he gathers himself back. “Uhm, yeah, yeah. The posters are a nice touch,” he points. 

“I’m gonna go get ready. We’ll be out in a few, okay?” Alex says, mostly to Reggie. 

He puts a hand on the doorknob and turns to give Luke one last look.

It’s brief but it says a million things. So Luke swallows and goes, “Thanks, Alex. For everything.” 

He meant it. But shit, it really fucking sucked. 

Alex nods and leaves and Luke lets Reggie distract him from his heartache with a hundred little stories of what his classes are like and the Pearl Jam concert Alex took him to for his birthday. 

Reggie turns to him as they’re about to leave. “Don’t worry, we’ll be back before you can get bored in here. I got the Star Wars films on VHS there, by the way,” he shares. 

Luke’s just sitting on the couch now, his guitar to his chest. “Don’t worry, I won’t move from here. Not going anywhere,” he says with a small smile. 

Alex wraps a scarf around his neck. “Yeah, now you're not,” he mutters and Luke feels the cold breeze creep into him even before Alex swings the door open. 

Yeah. Everything really fucking sucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so _now_ we're getting started. I wanna mention again that there's a "Love Triangle BS" tag you should reeeally look at. It's gonna get a little messy from here on. Hope you get frustrated with me on the ride before I make it soft, soft. 
> 
> Questions: how dense do you think Luke is to think everything was gonna be business as usual when he came back? do you think Alex's still bitter? how do you think Reggie's kids' shampoo smells like?


	9. Don't be cruel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They make it back to their condo, their hands just barely grazing each other, and Reggie gives him one tiny squeeze with his pinky before Alex pushes the door open. 
> 
> "Hey," Alex greets, coming in and then goes to the kitchen to drop the bags of food he got before he went to meet Reggie outside of his rehearsal. 
> 
> "Hi, buddy," he hears Reggie say. 
> 
> "Hi," Luke replies from the couch but when Alex makes it to the living room, he hasn't turned. He's holding his guitar and has a sheet on the coffee table and he’s not looking at either of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HUGE THANKS [Annaelle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/annaelle/profile) for beta-ing this chapter as well. You keep being awesome💖
> 
> And as usual, to my best gal [Ysa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/multindproud/profile) for checking it out, too.
> 
> NO BIG WARNINGS for this one except, just know we're about to enter messy territory. It's gonna be a little frustrating because negative emotions will arise. Keep in mind these boys are fairly young and we all act stupidly when we're young and, as I've been told, in love.

_Late December, 1996_

Alex finds Reggie just after he's done playing, right outside of one of Reggie's classmate's dorm. He smiles faintly and Reggie almost skips to him. 

Alex turns a little because he can't risk Reggie actually jumping him right there in the streets— New York might be more open-minded than anywhere else they’ve lived but Alex can’t quite shake the fear of getting beaten up because he held Reggie’s hand or let him kiss Alex in public. 

Even though he really wants him to. 

"Hey," is all Alex says, but he hopes his eyes are saying everything else for him. 

Reggie stops at a reasonable distance and smiles. "Hey," he replies and it's deep enough that Alex has to start walking before he forgets his own restrictions. 

However, when they make it to the dimly-lit bus stop, Alex dares to brush his fingers with Reggie's, turning him to face him, a lot closer. 

“You know, I'm really happy Luke is back but I wish he had better timing. I had a few things planned for this morning and now it's all busted,” Alex says, chuckling, as he looks at their hands, their fingers just barely tangled together. 

Reggie only puffs a laugh. "It's fine. I'm sure we can do whatever you had planned soon enough— in fact, I'm looking forward to it," he says, then he leans his face a little forward, looking for Alex's eyes cast down. "Alex, last night was the best night of my life." 

Reggie's eyes shine so brightly they match the city lights. "Really?" Alex whispers. 

"Abso-freaking-lutely," he replies and it's so goddamned goofy and sweet Alex feels heavy on his chest.

It's almost as if all he's ever done has led up to this: making Reggie feel happy and loved. 

It's all Alex ever wants to do, now. 

So he glances around quickly to see if anyone’s watching them before he drops a wet, open kiss to Reggie's lips right there. He lets go just right before the bus makes it to the stop and he laughs at Reggie's tiny shudder when the bus doors open in front of them. 

The kiss was totally worth the adrenaline spike.

They make it back to their condo, their hands just barely grazing each other, and Reggie gives him one tiny squeeze with his pinky before Alex pushes the door open. 

"Hey," Alex greets, coming in and then goes to the kitchen to drop the bags of food he got before he went to meet Reggie outside of his rehearsal. 

"Hi, buddy," he hears Reggie say. 

"Hi," Luke replies from the couch but when Alex makes it to the living room, he hasn't turned. He's holding his guitar and has a sheet on the coffee table and he’s not looking at either of them. "Good day?" 

Alex nods as Reggie goes, "Yeah." 

Luke is still not turning to face them and Alex can see his fingers curling, tense, holding the guitar's neck. 

"You?" Alex asks, doubtful. 

"Fine— hey, do you guys know where I can get a few picks around here? I lost a bunch on the trip," he asks, suddenly chipper, entirely unlike a few seconds earlier. 

Still, Alex relaxes a bit and Reggie answers cheerfully, "Oh, there's a great place on Madison. I'll take you." 

"Cool. Thanks," Luke replies casually and then he plays a note, terribly. Alex grimaces as he moves to drop his coat on the rack. "Oh, also,” Luke continues, “when were you guys gonna tell me you're screwing each other?" 

The coat falls out of Alex's hands as he stands frozen in shock. It had barely been a day. How the hell did he find out? 

When he turns, there's no bullshiting their way out of this, Reggie's face is an open book. Okay. Whatever. They can… they don’t have anything to be ashamed of.

Luke, on the other hand, looks like he's trying his best to not rip the strings off his guitar. 

And that throws Alex off. "Wait, hold on, I don't think I appreciate the tone—"

"That's funny because I don't appreciate my friends treating me like a fucking idiot!" Luke shouts, getting up. 

Alex does not miss Reggie flinching back to the corner in front of the door.

"Okay, when did we do that?" Alex complains exasperatedly. 

Luke takes one stride their way. "You _lied—_ " 

"No, I didn't! I told you I was seeing someone," Alex retorts, loud, too. 

Luke screws his face, grimacing. "Please, that someone is _Reggie_?!" Luke asks, raising an open hand to point at him.

Reggie flinches back further out of reflex and Alex slaps Luke's hand away, hard. He's not about to let him talk to Reggie like that. 

"Hey! Yes, Reggie. And you stop that," Alex says, putting himself between them when Luke seems to notice he's upsetting their best friend. "You know what fighting does to him," he adds, sternly. 

Luke blinks and breathes, but his face is still scrunched in anger. Alex didn't even know what about and he was tired of having to play the intricate game of What Does Luke Patterson Feel. 

"Why didn't you guys tell me?" Luke asks, biting every word. 

"We wanted to tell you slowly," Reggie offers quietly from behind Alex, his fingers together as he fidgets with them. “Give you some time to adjust to being back first.”

Alex reaches out to hold one of Reggie’s hands firmly and Reggie stops fidgeting for a second. Then he looks at Luke and feels a whole different wave of feelings wash him over. 

What the hell was he on? 

"Look, Luke, we know that it's difficult to take. Two of your friends dating is wei—"

"I'm happy for you," Luke cuts in, harshly. Almost forced. 

He's not looking at Reggie, either. His eyes are settled on Alex. 

Alex's blood runs cold under Luke's stare, it's nerve-wracking. 

But then a smile —or what seems like a smile but feels too dark and too twisted in Alex's gut to count as a smile— draws on Luke's face and it's enough for Reggie, who launches himself at Luke in a desperate hug. 

Luke keeps his eyes fixed on Alex from Reggie's shoulder even as he folds his arms around their best friend and Alex's frown deepens. 

Luke tries to smile at him but Alex knows better. He has always known better.

Luke can lie to himself and others about a bunch of things but his face doesn't follow. 

He's never been able to hide when he's happy or excited or interested. And especially _not_ when he's upset. 

And that's exactly what he is. 

~☆~

Luke wakes up with his head throbbing. The twelve-hour flight at least helped him fall asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow, even though he felt like a hole was blown in his chest. 

Alex was seeing someone else and that someone was _Reggie_ of all people. Luke felt his mouth dry every time the thought settled in his head, just like every time since he found out. 

He knew he shouldn't have looked around their rooms but when he found all of Reggie's clothes, including his briefs, speckled around on Alex's floor while Reggie's room was all tidy and clean, he knew something was off. 

The tossed-away, _used_ rubber was just the last detail to make his stomach sink with an acidic flavor on his tongue. 

He couldn’t even be properly mad at them and that, somehow, made him all the more frustrated. 

He hears a knock on the door and yawns. “Come in.” 

Reggie peeks his head after opening the door and then exposes himself with a tray of food in his hands. “Hey, there. Room service!” he says, jokingly, with that sweet look of his.

Luke feels something and he’s not sure what it is but it’s sick and terrible. 

“Hi,” he says, smiling weakly. 

God, get it together, Patterson. 

“Alex left already but I don’t have anything else to do today so I thought we could go get those picks. Or, you know, show you around the city,” he offers, walking over to his bed. 

“I have been to New York before, Reggie,” Luke replies, dryly. Then he feels like shit, so he stands up and grabs the tray from Reggie’s hands with a smile. “Thanks for this. I’m starving,” he forces cheerfulness into his voice. 

And clearly, Reggie buys it because he smiles widely and clasps his hands together. 

_‘Hands that have touched Alex’s—'_

Nope. Cut it out.

Luke shakes his head. This is stupid. He has no reason to be jealous. He was gone, he missed his shot. 

If there’s anyone to blame, it’s himself. 

“So,” Luke says after taking a bite at his french toast. Reggie did always have good meals ready for them back in high school. “The place on Madison you said?” he asks.

He needs to focus on what’s important. 

Music. Getting his stupid degree. Definitely _not_ resenting his fucking best friend.

Reggie nods three times. “Yeah, you eat. I’m gonna go shower and we’ll leave in a few.” 

Luke watches him go with a smile and a mouthful but as soon as the door is closed he drops it and swallows. From the bed, he shoots a look at himself in the mirror. 

The stare he gets back is one of bitterness and misery. He looks god-awful. Ridden by feelings he doesn’t even recognize in himself. 

It’s gonna be a shitty end of the year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know you guys thought I was going down the route of silly AlexReggie shenanigans to keep Luke from finding out but nope. This is the angsty, petty-and-jealous Luke show. Have a seat. Get ready to throw some chairs (at me, possibly).
> 
> Only one question for this time around: what do you think Luke will do next?


	10. Steppin' out of line

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He needed to get out of his head so badly he danced until he felt his feet burning and his muscles tighten and almost crack. 
> 
> He wanted to dance the heartthrob away, it's what he wanted. 
> 
> He knew that things would be hard when Luke came back. He always liked being right. Not this time, though. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HUGE THANKS TO [Annaelle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/annaelle/profile) for beta-ing this chapter as well. You help make this look waaay better than it is💖
> 
> And as usual, to my best gal [Ysa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/multindproud/profile) for checking it out, too.

_Late December, 1996_

The day is bright outside even though it’s freezing. There’s something about the chilly whiteness of snowy streets that brings a certain calm to Reggie’s head. It makes him think of hot cocoa and his best friends. 

Well, _boyfriend_ and best friend, now. 

“Hey, are you sure you don’t wanna take a walk after we get the picks?” Reggie asks Luke as they exit the building where they live. 

Luke almost grimaces; he’s been in his head since they told him. Reggie has been trying not to feel wary and weird about it, because he’s never felt weird around Luke before and he doesn’t want to start now. 

“Yeah, no, it’s fine,” Luke says after his face rapidly cycles through a myriad of expressions. He clears his throat as they start walking. “What about Alex, though? Is he meeting us there or—”

“Oh, no, Alex has dancing classes until six,” Reggie explains. 

“Still? I thought semester was over…”

“No, it is. This is just something extra he does with a few of his classmates. It’s pretty awesome,” he replies enthusiastically, because he’s _so_ proud of Alex. Luke nods slowly. “But you know, I think it’d still be cool. Just the two of us,” he adds. 

Luke smiles awkwardly and Reggie feels something heavy settle in his gut. 

It’s weird, the vibe that they have. That’s what it is. 

And Reggie doesn’t know what to do about it. 

So he just takes Luke to the store and fills the silence with stories of everything Luke’s missed, every moment he can remember.

They get some corn dogs by lunchtime and actually do walk through Central Park, like, almost all of it. Reggie talks about classes, about a few of his professors, almost every film he’s watched since he’s been here, about Ronnie and Dick, about his parents. 

He deliberately omits his sexual crisis and the whole falling for Alex thing.

He’s not entirely sure why. But he knows it kinda sucks, because Luke’s his best friend and they’re supposed to be able to talk about things like this. 

“Oh, I just remembered. I haven’t asked about you!” Reggie points. 

Luke actually chuckles at that and it feels fine for a second, just like old times, but then he takes his last bite of corn dog and throws his napkin into the trash can and his mood seems to sour again. “It was fun,” he shrugs, “but clearly not as fun as whatever's been happening here…" 

Luke's tone sounds teasing yet odd. Almost cynical. On edge. 

Reggie still lets out a laugh, rubbing the back of his neck. "Heh. Right," Reggie starts, awkwardly. "Well, we didn't intend to start without you— _not_ that I'm suggesting you join in or somet— I'm not. That's not—" 

He closes his mouth and takes a breath. He didn't want things to be weird between them and now he's definitely screwed that up. 

"I don't know how it happened, honestly," Reggie blurts, sighing. 

Luke's face changes again and he looks down. "It's fine, Reggie, you don't have to explain—" he says, putting his hand up. 

Reggie twists towards Luke. "I feel like I do, though—"

"Well, you _don't,_ " Luke says harshly, his eyes shooting daggers at him. Warning, daring. Reggie swallows thickly and leans back a little, and Luke drops his glare. "Reggie," he mutters, rubbing at his temples. "You really don't have to explain yourself to me or anyone, for the matter—"

"I just don't want you to treat me differently," Reggie says pleadingly, as he shakes Luke's arm, fingers clenched in Luke’s sleeve.

Luke frowns at him. "Why would I treat you any differently?" 

Reggie looks at his grip on Luke's forearm. "Because...you know," he shrugs vaguely, "I...like guys now?" 

Luke screws his eyes shut but he has a smile on his face. "Reggie, _what_ in the hell?" he asks, amused but a little annoyed. But then he slings an arm around him and tugs Reggie's head under his arm, hugging him as he ruffles his hair. "Why would you even think that, you dork!" 

Reggie's not sure he's ever missed something in his entire life as much as he had missed Luke's smile. 

So he smiles back and holds onto Luke even when the other boy releases him, clutching at him as they continue to walk. "I just— I don't know. You know, we used to talk about girls a lot and then even more after Alex came out to us and I didn't want you to think that that was gone," Reggie says and Luke lets go of the side-hug.

"Well, do you still like girls?" Luke wonders.

"Oh, yeah, absolutely," Reggie replies. 

Luke shrugs. "So, there. We can still talk about girls—"

"Yep."

"And guys." 

Reggie turns his head to Luke again. "What?" 

Luke startles at Reggie's reaction a little, then quirks an eyebrow. "Reggie— Reggie, do you...think I'm straight?" 

Okay, he felt a little dizzy. _What_.

Luke drops his chin again with a quiet chuckle. He shakes his head. "Reggie, you _saw_ me make out with that other guy at Rage last year," he reminds him exasperatedly. 

"You were _drunk—_ "

"So? You don't go looking for guys to make out with when you're drunk— well, I mean, you _do,_ but it's only because you've thought about it while sober, too," Luke says, making a face. 

Reggie feels even stupider. He facepalms and Luke actually laughs this time. 

"I can't believe you thought I'd have a problem with this because you thought I was straight," Luke says, amused. 

"Well, it's not like you said anything either. Why didn't you tell me you were bi? I mean— maybe that would've helped me realize sooner that I was, too," Reggie refutes. 

Luke moves one shoulder. "I don't like labels. I just— go with the flow," he says, moving his fingers like waves.

Reggie eyes him, standing still next to him. Luke is a beacon of confidence and warmth and drive and assertiveness that Reggie can just dream to be one day.

In the meantime, he'll rejoice in sharing Luke's light. 

"So, we're cool? You don't hate me?" Reggie asks. 

Something sparks in Luke's eyes, something deep and unreadable. Reggie can't even try to guess what it is because with a blink of his eyes, it’s gone. And his eyes shine with something different then, something Reggie's more used to. 

He leans in closer. "Reggie, I couldn't hate you even if I tried," he mutters, reassuringly. 

~☆~

Alex drags his feet all the way back to their condo. He's dead-limbed. 

He needed to get out of his head so badly he danced until he felt his feet burning and his muscles tighten and almost crack. 

He wanted to dance the heartthrob away, it's what he wanted. 

He knew that things would be hard when Luke came back. He always liked being right. Not this time, though. 

He swings the door open and finds Reggie and Luke lumped together on the couch, pieces of paper spread around the coffee table and a few on the floor. 

"Uh, hello?" Alex greets. 

Reggie's head turns almost whiplash-like. "Alex," he says, brightly. "Guess what?" 

"You two are doing some studying for classes next semester?" Alex replies, sarcastically, as he points with an open hand at the mess.

Reggie makes a 'yeah, right' face, and Luke shakes his head with a chuckle. "We wrote a song," he still says. 

Luke averts his eyes from him when Alex tries to look at him. Great. They’re still off, as he predicted.

Awesome. 

“We were waiting for you to put music into it,” Reggie adds, happily motioning with his hand for Alex to come closer. 

Alex fights the urge to groan just because he loves Reggie like that. 

"Reggie, I— I can't. I'm absolutely beat," he starts saying but Reggie's face curves and twists into the saddest expression and Alex feels his stomach sink a little. 

"Alex," Reggie whines and Alex tries to make it to the hallway. 

"You guys can just stomp your feet," he offers. 

Luke shakes his head with a disbelieving breath and Alex wants to glare. 

He's the reason Alex is tired in the first place. 

Reggie gets up from the couch, his face screwed unpleasantly. "Not again, Alex. Luke is here now!" 

Alex's eyes widen at Reggie as he raises his eyebrows. 

"Wait, what does he mean not again?" Luke is quick to ask, frown on his face.

" _Nothing,_ " Alex presses, his eyes fixed on Reggie. 

Reggie crosses his arms, he's almost pouting. "We can't not tell him about this either—"

" _Reggie—_ "

"What is he talking about?" Luke chimes in. 

"Nothing," Alex cuts them off again, turning to Luke just for a second. 

"Alex, it's fine. It's Luke—"

"Yes, exactly, it's Luke. And you know how he can get worked up and make a big deal out of it—" 

"Okay," Luke shouts a little, getting up from the couch. "I think Luke would really appreciate it if you didn't talk about him like he's not standing right here," he adds with a sarcastic smile.

Reggie and Alex barely turn to him. Alex tilts his chin a little in a silent last plea but Reggie just looks down, upset. "Alex stopped playing while you weren't here," he mutters, stuffing his hands in his pockets. 

Luke's eyes shoot to him immediately, jaw dropping a little. 

Alex's hands fall on the sides of his legs with a loud thud. "Way to sell me out," he tells Reggie, disappointed. 

Reggie raises his head. "I'm tired of keeping secrets. We're all here now, finally together and I won't let anything mug that up, Alex. You can talk to us—" 

Reggie tries to reach for him but Alex just opens his hand to stop him and rolls his eyes. 

"Why'd you stop playing?" Luke asks, concerned. 

Alex stares at a dot on the ceiling before he just rubs his temple. "It's not a big deal! I told _Reggie,_ " he starts to explain, shooting a glance at him before he looks at Luke again, "that I just needed to focus on my classes." 

"So, you're choosing dancing over music—" 

Alex groans. He had _this_ fight with Luke ages ago, when Alex explained he applied to Juilliard in dance major instead of music. 

"God, you see? This is what happens!" Alex complains to Reggie, pointing at Luke.

Reggie uncurls his crossed arms and turns to Luke. "No, Luke, it's not like that. It's just— something is bothering you, Alex," Reggie tries to say, looking between them. 

"I'm fine," Alex says and Luke puffs a breath.

"Yeah, right…" he whispers, and something shifts in Alex. 

He forgot Luke could see right through him, too. 

Well, screw him. 

Alex plants his feet and raises his chin. " _I'm_ getting my degree, that's for sure," he says, almost daring. 

To Luke, however, it sounds different. 

So the guitarist bites the inside of his cheek, nodding. 

"Right, 'cause we're keeping you from doing that," Luke replies, sarcastically. His face turns cynical, like when he found out about them. 

Alex still feels his blood run cold but he doesn't stop glaring at him. 

"Ok, you guys stop. It's freaking me out," Reggie points and they both blink at the same time. "Look, Alex, you told me yourself, right? You don't have to choose," Reggie reminds him, trying to reach for him again. 

Reggie's more gentle. He's kind. 

Reggie has no fucking clue, though. 

Alex grabs his hand just as Reggie reaches for his and stares at their entwined fingers. Reggie smiles when Alex relaxes at the touch. 

"So, what's it gonna be, Alex?" Luke asks from his spot, crossing his arms this time. 

He knows the double meaning of Luke's question. 

Alex glares at him again. This game is sick and fuck Luke for starting it. 

He's not biting.

However, Reggie jumps to his defense and frowns, saying, "No, Luke, stop that. Alex, you know you can do both—"

"Reggie, stop saying that," Alex sighs, running a hand through his hair. Luke is still biting his cheek, looking the other way. 

"Why?" Reggie asks and Alex is, for the first time in their entire life knowing each other, really glad that Reggie doesn't get what's happening. 

"Cause— it's complicated," Alex says. "I— I told you, I can't just play drums and dance at the same time," he adds, almost tenderly. But then he eyes Luke, staring coolly into hazel eyes. "It's impossible." 

Luke raises his eyebrows, ready to bite. "Oh yeah, it definitely is," he agrees. 

Well, great then. If Luke wants to force his hand, Alex is more than ready to comply. 

He certainly knows what his choices would be. 

"Ok, Luke, stop. This is serious," Reggie tries again, grounding them. He moves closer to Alex. "Alex— listen, we can do anything we want," then he looks at Luke, "we just gotta stick together." 

Reggie stands between them like he's in the middle of a minefield. But he's there nonetheless because Reggie is Reggie no matter what and he’ll always try to mediate between them; it’s just who he is. 

Alex looks at Luke, broken from their little bitter eye-staring contest, and he realizes they can agree on this, at least. Reggie doesn't deserve to be a causality of their fallout. 

Especially cause he still doesn't even know they _had_ a fallout. 

"Fine," Alex breathes and smiles weakly at Reggie.

"So, you're gonna play with us, then? Pleeease," Reggie begs, almost childish. He puts his hands on Alex's face. "Just this one song. For me?" 

Alex chuckles. "You're gonna use your monthly free pass on this?" 

"Yep." 

"Alright, then. _Sure_ ," Alex says, doing a dramatic eye-roll that gets Reggie to grin in delight before they lean in to kiss. 

He can feel Luke's stare carve into him through Reggie's skull. 

So, Alex dips his head further and deepens the kiss, clutching Reggie a little closer. He's not trying to be petty, but Luke _can_ look the other way while Alex kisses his boyfriend. He's just choosing not to.

Reggie giggles out of the kiss; cheeks red as a pepper. "Luke is right there," he whispers at Alex's lips. 

"Right, right," Alex says, pressing one last kiss to Reggie’s lips. "I'll go shower and join you guys in a second, okay?" He tells them and they both nod. 

Alex passes by Luke on his way to the bathroom. It feels like trying to go through a thorny bush.

Reggie rubs the back of his head, cheeks still flushed. “Sorry about that,” he chuckles. 

Luke studies the carpeted floor, following slowly from the trail Alex left behind him to where Reggie stands, hands uncomfortably fidgeting until they settle on his hips. 

“It’s fine,” Luke tries to say but he knows his eyes don’t mask the turmoil of feelings he has. 

He can only hope Reggie’s not that observant but that chance goes out the window when Reggie looks at him, his eyebrows curving in a concerned frown. 

Reggie opens his mouth to fill in the silence again but Luke’s quicker. “It’s just— I don’t know, I guess it's just weird seeing Alex like this,” he says. It’s a half-truth. 

“What? Kissing a guy?” Reggie asks; he’s not frowning anymore. He makes his way around the living room to grab his bass. 

Luke sighs. “Yeah. So...freely. Without worries.” 

Without the rush of being caught by your parents or your friend and bandmate. 

Reggie raises his eyebrows comically as he gets the bass strap around himself. “Yeah, well, that's because it's you,” he replies casually. Luke curves one eyebrow. “And we're home... But there was this one time we went to a concert, and I kissed him in the train station,” he says and Luke widens his eyes in surprise, and Reggie waves a hand in dismissal. “No, no. It was just on the cheek. We weren't even dating yet. But Alex freaked out about it ‘cause—”

“People could've seen you.” 

Yeah, Luke’s heard that before. 

“And hurt us, too,” Reggie replies, but then he shrugs. “I mean, I understood. Of course. It's just, sometimes...”

“You get excited,” Luke says, casting his eyes a little down. He’s lived this all first hand. 

However, Reggie smiles. “Yeah.” But then he breathes loud, frustrated. “It sucks, though. That we have to hide our love like this, you know?” 

Luke grins bitterly and looks down. Ha. _Does_ he know.

But Reggie pats his shoulder, back to being excited to play. “But hey, at least not from our best friend,” he says and smiles one of those goofy smiles that Luke used to like so much. 

Those smiles that surely brought Alex to his knees for him. 

That smile now spread poison in Luke’s insides and he couldn’t stare at it for too long or he’d die. And Luke wants, with every fiber of his body, not to resent Reggie for it. 

But it was hard. 

Reggie was genuinely in love with Alex, and so _happy_ , in a way Luke hadn’t ever seen him before, and Alex… Alex was _so_ ready to allow Luke to see him pour all of his love and affection onto Reggie without boundaries, without holding back. 

Alex was ready and open with Reggie in a way he’d never granted Luke when they were together. 

Now Alex kisses passionately and unabashedly, and all Luke got was fumbling fingers and having to turn Alex’s neck from looking over his shoulders almost every single minute. 

It was bullshit. 

He can't dwell much on it, though, because Alex comes back, freshly clean and they settle to play again, after six _eternal_ months.

They get to play for a bit; back to a harmony they can all find in making music. For all the differences he and Alex can have, at least they’re always on the same page about Sunset Curve’s sound and what they want, career-wise. 

They can fight about everything, anywhere, but never with music. 

It’s past eight when they’re done and Reggie offers to go buy food. “I’ll get Thai. You two try not to antagonize each other while I’m gone,” he says, sliding into his leather jacket before either of them could stop him, leaning in to peck Alex’s lips before he rushes out the door. 

Maybe Reggie thought leaving them alone would get them to patch things up, but all Luke can see is that fucking _casual_ little kiss. 

Yeah… Luke’s not quite there yet. 

“You were pretty good— you know, considering…” Luke says a few minutes later, as Alex walks around his drum set. 

Alex gives him a look and shrugs. “Yeah, well, it’s not like I stopped playing for too long. Just since we moved here,” he explains. 

Luke nods slowly; then he recalls. “Oh, and how did you deal with your anxiety? ‘Cause I know you liked playing when you got into your head too much.” 

“Well, I danced. A lot,” Alex answers. “It’s why I’m in that dance group outside of class. We do shows for charity and stuff— I think Reggie told you about it,” Alex adds. 

Luke lets out a little chuckle. Right. Of course. 

“That makes sense. You replacing something with _something_ else,” he mutters. 

It’s a dick move, he knows. 

The truth usually is. 

Alex’s face shifts entirely. “What is that supposed to mean?” 

Luke shrugs, nonchalantly. “Nothing. I just hope you’re not doing things you don't _really_ wanna do,” he says, carelessly resting his chin on the heel of his hand as he looks up at Alex standing, all the way across the room. 

Alex stares at him for a long second before he smiles widely. It’s odd and almost creepy; it looks like he’s pressing his teeth together tightly but not making a sound. 

“Well, you don’t need to worry about that,” Alex says, in a faux friendly tone; Luke definitely touched a nerve. Alex leans in, bending to his eye-level. “I left the Alex who liked to pretend back in California,” he says and then pats him on the cheek, a tad too harshly. 

Then he's walking back to his room with a serious look on his face, leaving Luke with a throb in his head and absolutely no appetite for Reggie's Thai takeout.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so, it has officially begun, the competition of "Who Can Act More Like A Jerk". Who will win: Luke or Alex? I feel so sorry for Reggie, though. HAPPY VALENTINE'S AND UNTIL NEXT SUNDAY 🥰💜
> 
> \- KJ


	11. Playing Solitaire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luke lets himself crash on the bed and sighs again, drinking one more beer in silence as he lets the memory wash over him. 
> 
> He smiles despite the by-now-familiar ache in his chest and slides a hand down his chest, feels the fabric at the tip of his fingers, the plastic of the zipper. Down, then up. Open, then closed. He closes his eyes and lets his mind wander. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MASSIVE WARNING FOR THIS ONE: There's a detailed **masturbation** scene as well as few **references to sex being had in proximity**. I said I wouldn't get too graphic with the sex bits but just in case this might feel like it's a bit too much for some of you. That's also why I updated the work's rating. 
> 
> HUGE THANKS TO [Annaelle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/annaelle/profile) once more for the beta help with this chapter. Like I said, you help make this look way better than it does💖
> 
> And as usual, to my best gal [Ysa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/multindproud/profile) for checking it out, too.

_Late December, 1996_

  
  


It doesn't get better after that. It's actually quite the opposite. 

Every time Luke is forced to watch Alex nibble Reggie's lower lip or Reggie cuddle Alex on the couch or that stupid drummer-bass player mind-link they have when they play charades, it's like someone's pulling his skin inside out.

Worst part of all is that he can't even tear his eyes from them either. Like the sick-o masochist that he is. 

It's almost as if a part of him believes that if he watches them long enough, he'll get over Alex sooner. 

A bigger part of him, though, knows it’s because it’s easier to imagine himself in Reggie’s place. Falling asleep on Alex's chest while the blond read some book, getting him a cup of coffee while he did his homework, run his hand through that silky golden hair. 

God, Luke had had so many plans for him and Alex when they came here; it makes him feel so fucking miserable now. 

At least all this heartache will make a great album one day— he’s already written half a dozen songs, and it’s barely been a week. 

“HAPPY NEW YEAR!” They all shout at the same time in the middle of the crowded, happy mess that is Times Square when the ball drops; this time it was shinier and prettier, with a computerized lighting system. 

Reggie wraps his arms around each of them and presses them closer in a hug. The angle has Alex breathing on the bridge of Luke's nose and he looks up out of instinct; Luke exhales so quietly and so carefully the puff of air is thin between their faces. 

It'd be so easy, just step on his tiptoes as he always did…

Lucky for him, Reggie presses a kiss to his cheek before Luke can do something stupid like kiss Reggie's boyfriend right in front of him and thousands of other people. 

Then Reggie even has the courtesy of kissing Alex on the cheek, too, chastely and cute as if they hadn't been fucking each other senseless since before Luke got here. 

“It's Sunset Curve's year, baby!” Reggie says, smug. 

Alex chuckles and pulls from their hold a little. “You say that every year, Reg.” 

“Well, every year is our year,” Reggie shrugs and Luke smiles at him, standing really close. 

There are moments, fleeting quick, in the clusterfuck of his bitterness and heartbreak, that Luke gets it. Moments in which he can see what Alex sees in Reggie. 

Moments in which Reggie says something equally silly and sweet that Luke can actually feel his heart flutter. 

Moments in which he notices how pretty the curve of Reggie's nose is or how the green of his eyes matches the neon lights in the street or how there're spots in Reggie's cheeks that turn redder than the rest. 

Moments in which he’s so caught off guard by how beautiful Reggie is that Luke forgets he took the love of his life from him. 

Reggie pretty much shoves Luke to the middle when they walk back to their dorm. Luke has to give it to him; Reggie’s done way more than Alex to make him feel like he’s not a total intruder. 

But, well, he messed up with Alex two times around, so, he kinda gets why the drummer isn’t still letting him off the hook. 

He just wished he could stop seeing red when he thought about it for too long. 

It didn’t help that he hadn’t even gotten laid in the past six months— all because he was being committed to a relationship that didn’t even exist in the first place. 

Luke kicks the door open and goes to grab a beer from the fridge. “You guys want any?” he asks, flipping his beer open. 

When he turns, Alex and Reggie are very evidently making bedroom eyes at each other. 

“Um, sorry, you said something?” Alex asks him, startling back to reality. He turns Reggie by his shoulders so he’s facing Luke too and rests his chin on his shoulder, arms draped casually around his waist, to wait for Luke to repeat what he said. 

Luke smiles yet another bitter smile just for Alex and downs his beer in one go. “I’m gonna go to bed,” he says, before turning to grab a few more bottles to drown his sorrows in, hopefully knock himself out. 

He’s never been able to hold his liquor all that well. Much less the german shit Alex loves so much. 

He’s gonna make his way out of the kitchen but Reggie catches him in a sudden, big warm hug, nearly pulling Alex along with him. 

Luke’s chin rests on Reggie’s shoulder, the same place where Alex had just rested his, a few seconds ago. It’s where their colognes meet and impregnate Luke’s nostrils. God, he’s gonna smell them all the way to his room. 

“I’m really happy you’re here,” Reggie mutters, still holding him tight as Luke’s arms just hang wide open, holding a pair of beers in each hand. 

Luke studies the ceiling, thinking of words to come up with. 

_‘That makes one of us’, ‘I wish I would’ve got eaten by a shark in the Mediterranean instead’, ‘Thanks, I really enjoy watching you make out with the guy I'm in love with_ ’— each sounds worse than the other. 

“Uh, yeah, me too, Regs,” he settles for lying. He tries to pat Reggie’s side but he has his hands full so he just smiles at him when Reggie pulls back. 

Then Reggie looks at Alex and then back to him as if waiting for his boyfriend to say something to Luke, too. They can’t even properly smile at each other. 

Alex’s still pissed and Luke’s still hurt. 

“You guys have been acting so weird lately,” Reggie says, shaking his head with a grimace. 

“We’re not—” and “It’s fine—” overlap between them and they look at each other, both falling silent. Luke zips his mouth closed and waits for Alex to give anything away by his expression, so Luke would know how to proceed. 

But Alex just softens and relaxes, and the corner of his mouth draws up. “Sleep tight, Luke,” he says, friendly. 

Then he puts his hand on Luke’s arm and squeezes lightly. Luke replies a quiet “thanks” but it sounds just as broken as he is, and he makes his exit before either of them can see his eyes water up. 

Once he shuts the door, he downs another bottle, decidedly stopping himself from crying. He strips off his clothes slowly, whistling the tune of Long Weekend to keep his mind off the very distressing knowledge that Alex and Reggie are totally making out out there somewhere in the apartment. 

Or everywhere. 

He swallows the liquid thickly and stares out the window; tiny drops of rain turning into snow on the glass. He turns to his closet and fetches a dark-grey hoodie with Pansy Division’s logo and slides into it. 

He got it for Alex’s birthday last year but the drummer insisted he could not wear it because that would make Alex all too obvious. But Luke didn’t give two shits about what people thought of him, and most people in their class didn’t even have any knowledge for underground queercore bands. 

_(“Great, then. So you wear it,” Alex suggested._

_“That’s not how gifts work, Alex,” Luke said, smiling._

_“My gift would be getting to see you in it, then,” Alex said, shrugging before he pulled Luke by his hips and hugged him._

_Luke leaned into Alex’s space, resting his arm on Alex's shoulders. “Still wanted to get you something, though. What if you get cold now? All my hoodies have holes in them,” he whispers, sweetly._

_“Well, you can get me another hoodie then. No logos. Just plain colors— oh, and it can be pink so it matches Pansy,” Alex said, raising his eyebrows excitedly._

_Luke had gotten him a pink hoodie the following day. And Alex wore the damn thing for an entire week.)_

Luke lets himself crash on the bed and sighs again, drinking one more beer in silence as he lets the memory wash over him. 

He smiles despite the by-now-familiar ache in his chest and slides a hand down his chest, feels the fabric at the tip of his fingers, the plastic of the zipper. Down, then up. Open, then closed. He closes his eyes and lets his mind wander. 

If he focuses enough, he might even be able to remember Alex’s Calvin Klein perfume; jasmine, rosewood, and pine. Maybe Luke could buy one just to spray on his pillow. 

‘Yes, that would definitely help you get over him quicker,’ he thinks to himself, sarcastically. 

He opens his eyes, frustrated. It’s hard to keep track of how many people he hates lately. He’s even included himself on the list. 

He sits upright and looks at himself in the mirror in front of the bed; ruffled hair, miserable look, boxer briefs, and just his hoodie. He stares into his own eyes, dark and getting blurry, as he sips his last beer almost not stopping. 

He hears a door shutting loudly, followed by mumbled giggles and he throws himself back onto his bed, burrowing deeper into the pillow. 

His little trip down memory lane got him the right amount of sad _and_ horny and the beers just enabled that even more. 

He wiggles his head closer to the wall; angry curiosity almost crawling all the way through him. Creeping into him, surrounding him. 

But he can’t hear a thing. Maybe the walls _are_ thick enough. 

After all, he hasn’t heard anything since he got here, and he knows Reggie had spent at least a couple of nights sleeping in Alex’s bed with him— had seen him walk out of Alex’s room the next morning in his boxers and one of Alex’s hoodies several times. 

He breathes through his nose and adjusts his head more comfortably, lying back in the middle of his bed. He closes his eyes again and he can hear them, faintly. 

Heavy breathing, some slick noises. 

But when he moves his head closer again, there’s nothing. It’s near dead silence, except for the clock in his nightstand and its quiet ticking. Luke glares at it. 

He closes his eyes again and it’s back. A few whispers, mouths meeting, teeth crashing just a bit. 

He’s imagining it; he’s _remembering_ it. 

Luke smiles as nostalgia — _longing—_ washes over him, running his hand over his body again. He zips down the hoodie and stuffs a hand in, rubbing his chest, not even minding the cold. He rubs slowly, one finger up and down his torso with careful patience. 

Just like Alex would. 

Luke would try to rush it, would try to jump on him, but Alex would press his big, open hand against his chest and push him back down. 

“Relax,” he can almost hear Alex say just before he sucks a mark on his neck. 

But Luke would still do as told. 

He bites his lower lip out of instinct when his fingers find his nipple and he rubs and pinches. Alex would pull, too. With his teeth. Because Alex is even more wicked than he is.

God, he missed Alex so fucking much Luke would’ve cried right there if it wasn’t for the fact that he was already rolling his hand down his briefs to give himself a playful pull. 

Alex would’ve taken longer, he knows. But Luke has to make do with the hand he's been dealt. 

He takes his hand out to spit on it and tries again; closing his eyes once more. 

“Shhh, be quiet,” he can hear Alex whisper while holding back a laugh. 

They couldn’t get caught. It made everything way hotter. 

Luke grins devilishly in the darkness of his room and he flicks his thumb on the head of his dick. Pre-cum makes things easier on him.

He strokes himself a few times more; the image of Alex’s long fingers closed tightly around his cock played out in vivid detail in his head, when he’s pulled from under his little spell.

“You don— th—k Luke —n —ar us, d-you?” 

His eyes pop open in the middle of his taunting rush. It’s Reggie’s voice. 

“He —ly as—p,” Alex replies, what Luke can only guess is that they think he’s asleep. 

Well, he would be, but now he’s too awake to even hope faint drunkenness and an orgasm is gonna make his insomnia go away. 

He wants to go in and answer them. He wants to ask for at least some sense of decency. Ruin their moment. 

He doesn’t. He settles for just sinking further in the bed, wets his hand with his tongue, and tries again. He closes his eyes and that’s where it gets bad: now he can’t tell apart what sounds he’s making up and what sounds he’s actually listening to. 

There’s ruffling sheets, there’s those damn giggles again. 

Alex would slap his ass, he would pull his hair. Luke can imagine the sound, he taps on his own leg just to get a sense of it. 

He’s not getting that from the other room, though. 

Maybe that’s something _only_ for him. A part of himself Alex _doesn’t_ have with Reggie.

He smiles to himself and keeps on touching himself when there’s a shriek coming from the bed being dragged on the floor. 

Fuck. Luke breathes and his cock twitches in his hand. That’s how hard they’re going at it; they’re rocking the bed. 

Luke can’t bring himself to picture it. He’s trying too hard to imagine his own short, thick fingers are Alex’s long and slim ones. He’s trying too hard to smell Alex’s lavender shampoo. 

Trying too hard to get _there_ so he can just fucking drop dead asleep and not deal with any of this. 

There’s grunting and Luke’s not sure where it’s even coming from; he throws his free hand on his face and runs it through his forehead, wiping his sweat off. Alex would do that. He would take such good care of him. 

Like he must be taking care of Reggie right now. 

Luke groans at the thought; it’s low but he still presses his mouth close just in case. He feels his heart almost skip a beat; waiting to see if he got caught. 

“ _Fuck_ , ‘Lex,” Luke hears instead. It sounds like it’s a lot. 

The tone in which Reggie said that nickname settles into the frontal lobe of Luke’s brain. He won’t ever be able to forget it now. 

He bites his tongue in a weird mix of built-up anger and arousal. He keeps trying to push Reggie out of his little perfect picture but the idiot keeps forcing himself in. 

And in. And in. And in. 

Luke’s eyes open wide, gluing themselves to the pearly white roof. Maybe this is a side-effect of the beers; maybe he is way drunker than he imagined and this is some bizarre wet-dream. 

Is Reggie really making those sounds?

_God, that sounds way hotter than it has any right to._

Luke’s head goes dizzy at the thought and he almost feels the bed start to spin. He makes a mental note to never drink alcohol that has weird diacritical marks on its label ever again. 

A high-pitched squeal comes from the room again and Luke bucks into his hand; bites his lower lip hard just to keep from trying to echo Reggie.

After all, Luke has never been able to quite match Reggie’s highest note. 

He throws his head back deeper into the pillow, suddenly _very_ into the idea that he can do better, that he can be better. 

It’s weird, it’s twisted. But he and Reggie did always like to compete a little. 

Of course, he’s still very focused on letting them believe he’s actually asleep so he keeps his trap shut and lets the moan just vibrate in his throat. Next to him, he hears what’s got to be Reggie suffocating his cries into his pillow. 

Bummer. 

Luke would sing a song for Alex if that’s what he wanted. Hell, he’d make it a fucking opera show. 

He laughs despite his misery and keeps his hand on its steady rhythm; Alex would not lose focus in all these petty squabbles. 

Alex would get him there; would make sure he’s not neglecting not even an inch of Luke’s body. Alex would make him feel fully and wholly loved. 

He would caress his face, holding him at every thrust. Brush his ego with every little…

“You’re doing so good, Regs.” 

Luke’s eyes shut close; he’s not sure when they started filling up with unshed tears. 

And fucking _sure_ , Reggie does sound like he was doing good. 

Luke feels really terrible suddenly but his hand hasn’t stopped its movements on himself. And now he’s gripping harder, almost as if he’s pissed at it. 

Almost as if by pumping himself harder and faster he could get rid of all the pain he feels. 

Luke’s back arches at the sound of whatever encouraging, sweet words Alex is mumbling to Reggie's ears. He can't make them up for shit even though he practically has his ear attached to the wall. 

All he gets it’s the low vibrations of Alex’s hoarse voice and goddamned _Reggie_. He’s moaning and grunting and whining and even chuckling and Luke’s never gonna be able to unhear it. 

“I’m close,” Reggie shares, panting. He sounds wrecked. For a blink there, Luke almost wished he could see him, but then he thought: the fuck did Luke care? 

He wants to get this over with. 

Something knocks against the wall and Luke knows all too well what’s happening. Every time he said ‘I’m close' to Alex, Alex went into what Luke calls Outro Mode. 

You know how there’s a little drum solo as a song is about to finish and it all ends in a big, roaring 'bam!'? That’s what Alex did in sex, too. 

Luke shakes his head and adjusts on his spot; getting on with the program. He stays focused on his very good memory material and almost doesn’t even mind that for all his efforts, he can still hear Reggie’s squealing into his pillow. 

He almost thinks it’s cute and hot. 

But all he’s thinking about is Alex. Alex in the locker room after they played at the Homecoming dance, when Luke was coming off his rush of their first semi-successful public performance. Alex in his bedroom, helping him during summer school. Alex at his parents after his sixteenth birthday. Alex, Alex, Alex. 

“Come for me, love,” Luke can hear crystal clear.

He moans out loud, in unison with Reggie, spilling all over himself, and immediately regrets it, shoving the pillow on his face to drown out the noise. 

He lies still, utter mess on himself, and waits as the room falls silent next to him, not even loud breathing coming out of it. 

They caught him. God, he’s so fucking stupid and messed up. Alex’s gonna whoop his ass and Reggie’s never gonna speak to him again. 

There’s more mumbling before Luke can hear the light switch being flipped on. He feels his heart hammering inside his chest. Quickly he kicks the bed sheets down and then pulls them over himself, whispering a curse for getting them dirty. 

He hears the door of the other room open and sinks further in his bed, twisting around to pretend he _was_ asleep. 

He’s literally holding his breath waiting for Alex to swing the door open and kick him like the perv he probably is. He listened to his best friend and his ex-boyfriend have sex and _got off_ on it. God, who the fuck _does_ that? 

Except all he hears a few minutes later is the door of the bathroom in the hall open and the water tap. Luke breathes and relaxes. 

Alex is just cleaning them up. Whew. 

Luke takes a look from under the sheets. Fuck. He’s gonna have to do his own laundry tomorrow. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that was that. This chapter was also highly entertaining to write down. Hope you liked it. 
> 
> Questions for this time being: do you think it _will_ be Sunset Curve's year? who can scream higher, Luke or Reggie? Have you ever listened to Pansy Division? 
> 
> See you next Sunday!  
> \- KJ


	12. There's no end to what I'd do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I was thinking I could go job-hunting today," Luke shares to fill in the air. 
> 
> Alex sucks on his last drop of water, a slick, wet noise, and puts down the glass on the wooden table. "We have to talk about last night." 
> 
> "— or we could do that," Luke mutters, trying to be funny. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, HUGE THANKS TO BOTH [Annaelle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/annaelle/profile) for your ever-present help and awesomeness💖 aaand my best gal [Ysa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/multindproud/profile) for checking it out, too.
> 
> No warnings this time.

_January, 1997_

Luke wakes up earlier than he expected. The mental gymnastics he had to pull in order to get over his nearly-crippling guilt after he did what he did left him even more exhausted than his orgasm. 

Silently he moved from his bedroom to the kitchen to fetch himself something to eat. He didn't really feel like cooking so he looked around to find something of an easy ensemble or already made. 

And just lying on top of the fridge, he found Reggie's Cap'n Crunch. 

_'Sure Reggie doesn't mind if I take something that's his. And if he does, well, that's gonna be one_ hilarious _conversation_ ,' Luke muses as he pours the thing in a bowl.

He's about to eat a spoonful when Alex enters the kitchen, dead silent, face set in a serious expression, and pours himself a glass of water. 

"Morning," Luke says with his mouth full, ready to act nonchalant and cool. 

He's not proud about last night, but he's not gonna kick himself to the curb either. A man has needs. It's not his fault they all happened to be horny at the same time. 

Besides, he’s still not sure that they heard him at all.

Alex smiles wanly in reply and drinks his water; he's still not speaking, just staring at Luke as Alex drinks down his water in big gulps.

"I was thinking I could go job-hunting today," Luke shares to fill in the air. 

Alex sucks on his last drop of water, a slick, wet noise, and puts down the glass on the wooden table. "We have to talk about last night." 

"— _or_ we could do that," Luke mutters, trying to be funny. 

Alex doesn't even blink, though, and just crosses his arms, staring. His face is unmoving, expressionless. 

Luke grabs another spoonful, still playing chill. He's not about to spill the beans on himself, he has to be absolutely certain Alex means what he thinks he means. 

There's a pregnant silence before Alex drops his stance. "Luke, what the hell was that!?" he says, exasperated. He's not shouting (probably 'cause Reggie's still asleep) but it's an exclamation all the same. 

Luke sighs. "Look, Alex, I'll pay you back— were those imported?" he asks. He will drag this out as long as he can. 

Alex frowns for a split second before he rolls his eyes and leans closer to the table. "Stop playing dumb. This is not about the beers, you _know_ what I'm talking about," he says. 

Luke leans back on his chair and shrugs. "What do you want me to say, Alex? You and Reggie had sex next door—"

"And you just— decide to jerk off to that?" Alex retorts, incredulously. 

"In my defense, I was well on my way doing that before you two started _rocking_ the bed in my fucking ear," Luke replies, biting back. 

"Do you even realize how fucked up that is?" 

Luke sighs. "If I say yes, will this conversation be over quicker?" 

"Luke— you can't _do_ that," Alex says, but his tone is different. Like a parent giving a disappointed scolding. 

"Oh, but Reggie _can_ wake up the entire city with his moans?" Luke complains. 

Alex's face breaks a little, trying to hide his proud grin. Something twists in Luke's stomach. 

"God, you're loving it, aren't you?" Luke says, narrowing his eyes. “You didn’t want me to listen, but you’re still proud he was so loud.” 

Alex shrugs one shoulder, but his arms are still crossed over his chest. "I have nothing to be ashamed of." 

Luke averts his eyes from him, properly bothered by the non-admission. He looks out the tiny window in the kitchen and then at his bowl. He's not even hungry anymore. 

"What are we gonna do about this?" Alex asks, quietly. 

Luke now folds his arms on himself. "I don't know. I mean— it's your apartment, I can't tell you not to have sex with your boyfriend, right?" 

He can tell Alex knows he wants to, though. 

"Obviously not," Alex replies tiredly. "But I can't have you— making _sounds_ next to us while— when we—" he adds, almost as if he's not judgemental. As if the only problem he has with Luke is that he didn't put a cork in it. 

Luke saves that thought for later. 

"You're lucky Reggie didn't hear you," Alex mutters. Luke wants to scowl. 

Right now all he does is look down, though. "Do you want me to go?" Luke asks. 

It's more of an honest offer. 

He thought about it the third night here. 

Alex's face screws on his spot. "What? _No—_ "

"I mean, it's a reasonable course of action here—" 

Alex snorts, bitterly. " _Of_ _course_ you would think leaving is the answer," he mutters. 

"What is that supposed to mean?" Luke shoots, drawing his head back. 

Alex only shakes his head and looks down. Alex looks incredibly conflicted, but also like's trying to keep all of those emotions to himself— all bottled up. 

"What, you think I left because of you?" Luke asks. Even saying it sounds ridiculous. How could Alex _ever_ think that? "Alex, I took a trip to do some soul-searching. Tourism. It's something I've wanted to do for a while. And I thought would come back in a blink, I never thought that would've broken what we—" 

Luke shuts his mouth as soon as he spots Reggie sleepily walking into the room. He knows letting Reggie know the full extent of what was happening and why it was happening was only gonna cause more harm. (He intends to avoid that. Key on ‘intends’).

He and Alex shift guiltily on their spots. "Good morning," Reggie yawns, oblivious, rubbing the back of his head.

He's wearing Alex's pink hoodie and he can see the beginnings of a hickey peek out just above the collar. Luke wants to vomit. Maybe he _is_ lactose intolerant. 

Reggie walks over to Alex and kisses him hello. Softly, tenderly, he rubs the tip of his nose on Alex's. Luke can't stop looking. It's the worst. 

"Hey, Luke!" Reggie says, all chippy, at Alex's fucking _lips_. 

Luke is, just, annoyed. 

"Hi," Luke deadpans and Reggie finally detaches himself from Alex's face to look at him. 

"Oh, did you save some for me?" Reggie asks, pointing at Luke's bowl.

Luke really hopes he didn't.

"Uhh, I don't know," he says as Reggie moves around to grab the box of cereal and shakes it. 

"That'll do," Reggie says after he inspects it has enough for him. He serves himself a bit and sits to Luke's right. 

Alex and he are caught up in a staring contest again, unsaid words just hanging in the air around them. 

"Oh, no, please tell me you guys aren't fighting again..." Reggie whines, moving his spoon around in his bowl as he looks between them with a pout. 

Luke's stare hasn't dropped from Alex's, ridden by an emptiness not only in his stomach but his very soul. Amber to crystal aquamarine blue; Luke could see right through.

Beneath the disappointment and the anger, Alex was _hurt_. 

Luke feels his own eyes water up. "No, no," he says, swallowing, and he shoots a look at Reggie. "I was just telling Alex that," he turns back to the blond, "that I'm _sorry_...for, uhm, drinking his beers last night." 

Alex's lower lip almost trembles when he lets go of the breath he was holding. "It's not the beers, I just— I wish you had said something," he adds, wistfully, his eyes deep. 

"I didn't think I had to," Luke shrugs and smiles an absolutely broken smile. "And that is on me." 

And that was the truth. 

To think they say Reggie is the slow one…

"Well, why don't you just get him new ones?" Reggie suggests with a confused frown on his face. He's apparently noticing how thick the air is around them. "You can find them at the drugstore a few blocks from here. It's less than six bucks," Reggie adds, before he continues eating his cereal. 

Luke stares at Alex, his lips curving into a sad, sorry little line. But Alex shakes his head just faintly, as if trying to reassure him of something Luke's not sure what. 

And Luke can't ask so all he does is rub his eyes before Reggie can notice him starting to lose it. "You know? That's a great idea, Reg," Luke says, doing a little tap on the table, before he gets up. "That's exactly what I'm gonna do. Right now," he adds, making up his mind to go right away, to get out, to get some air. 

He pushes past Alex and Alex grabs his elbow, softly, stopping him. 

Does Alex even understand that every time he touches Luke, his skin feels like it's on fire? 

"We'll see you for lunch," Alex says. He's not asking but it doesn't feel like an order, either. 

It feels like a test. Like a gift. 

Luke's _pathetically_ ready to comply. 

Alex wants him to sit and watch the absolute pain-ride that is him being in love with someone else? Luke is fucking game. 

Add masochist to the list of labels he refuses to use for himself. 

"Yeah," Luke replies, willfully. “Yeah, of course.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Questions for this time: will these two ever actually talk? On a scale of 1000 to infinity, how pure is Reggie? What do you think Luke can get a side job for? 
> 
> I'll see you soon✨  
> -KJ


	13. We're gonna rock all our blues away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And by the second week of him settling into his classes just fine (having actual interest in learning what he’s being taught really did wonders for him as a student), he gets them a gig at a pub in Brooklyn, just thirty minutes away from their condo. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, HUGE THANKS TO [Annaelle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/annaelle/profile) for the help. You're AWESOME as always, especially coming up with that line about being able to hate "the other guy". Love that brain of urs💖
> 
> I'd like to gift this chapter to [bluie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluie/pseuds/bluie) as a late birthday gift, as I recently learned it was their bday. Thanks for all the support and always being amazing in the comments section 🤗💞
> 
>  **WARNINGS** for this one: 18 yo boys going clubbing, underage drinking, **kissing under the influence of alcohol**.

_February, 1997_

  
  


Semester starts the third week of Luke getting rejected at every job he applied for. Playing music at the ice cream shop near the beach being his past summer job (and only job experience, for the matter) did not do his resume any favors at all. 

Alex had tried to assure him, “Look, you know we don’t have money struggles ‘cause of my parents. And Reggie also gets money from his from time to time—”

“Yeah, when they remember I exist,” Reggie joked, flipping pancakes for them. 

“Point is...you don’t need to find some meaningless thing to get yourself money,” Alex said, newspaper in his hands. 

It was about more than just money though. Luke needed to get the fuck away from watching them being together in their apartment all the damn time. 

“You can just look for gigs for us, Luke. That’s what we’re here to do, anyway, right?” Alex offered and it made sense. 

And by the second week of him settling into his classes just fine (having actual interest in learning what he’s being taught really did wonders for him as a student), he gets them a gig at a pub in Brooklyn, just thirty minutes away from their condo. 

It worked great for him because they settled back to rehearsing for their show while juggling with their classes. There was no time left for the soft kisses Alex and Reggie shared in the lazy afternoons while cuddling on the couch (that ended up forcing Luke to sit on the goddamned floor like the loser he was) or, more importantly, having sex.

Luke was _especially_ happy about that one (especially since it kinda busted Valentine's Day). Yes, he knows he's the shittiest friend in the world. 

But at least he’s getting better at masking his very evident dislike of this whole my-best-friend-is-dating-the-guy-I'm-in-love-with thing. He's listened to Jessie's Girl one too many times this week already. 

They play their usual set of five songs for the small crowd of the club and everything feels like nothing’s changed and they’re still just kids following a dream. The weight on Luke’s shoulders lifts at the tune of Now or Never and he forgets his heartache jumping up and down with Reggie sharing his mic. 

Luke smiles at the thought that it could be this simple. If only he knew how to put his feelings aside. 

“Thank you! We’re Sunset Curve,” Luke shouts into the mic and people clap and cheer at them. 

“Tell your friends,” Reggie doesn’t miss his cue, winking at the audience, just like always. 

A few minutes later, the club owner is shaking their hands and inviting them to stick around for the rest of the night. It’s Saturday, so they agree without a second thought. 

“He didn’t even ask for our IDs,” Reggie mutters, elbowing Luke’s side. 

Luke pokes his tongue out, excited. 

“I’ll go wash my hands. Be right back,” Alex tells them; a happy, satisfied smile on his face, and Luke and Reggie turn to watch him go with a matching wonderstruck look on their eyes— Luke is grateful Reggie’s too busy eyeing Alex to notice how Luke is staring after him too. He doesn’t think he’d be able to explain _that,_ no matter how oblivious Reggie can be. 

Alex disappears through the crowd and Luke turns to just look around the place. It’s slowly getting packed and they’re playing actual good music. He starts moving absent-mindedly to the disco beats, just bouncing a bit on his spot, big carefree smile on his face. 

“Oh, oh, watch him. Watch him. He’s got the moves, people,” he hears Reggie tease him from the side. 

“Do you remember how they used to play this at that shitty arcade we went to when we were kids?” Luke asks, remembering the tune vividly. 

Reggie and he spent the entire summer there together, just the two of them, because Alex had to go to Bible camp to appease his parents. 

“It was literally just this and MC Hammer,” Reggie replies, chuckling.

And almost as if the DJ heard them talking, the intro of U Can’t Touch This started playing. They turn to each other open-mouthed and smiling, and start doing their little dance routine from back in those days. 

Side to side, mirroring each other as they sing. 

“MY, MY, MY, MY MUSIC HITS ME SO HARD,” Luke and Reggie shout in unison, repeating without missing the words of MC Hammer. 

It’s like they’re the only ones there, too. Luke hasn’t been able to breathe this easy since he got here. 

“— you can’t touch this!” they sing, doing a matching, little smug pose, before they break in laughter. Reggie throws himself at Luke, giggling at his face, and they walk back to the bar like that, clinging to each other. 

They’re greeted with drinks and they look at each other in confusion before the bartender explains: “It’s on the house.” 

They clink their glasses together and have been drinking in silence when a girl in a tight, velvet-purple dress almost sashays to them —stopping in front of Reggie. 

“That was a good show, you guys,” she says. Her eyes are green and her lips match the dark tone of her dress. The alcohol rolls thickly down Luke’s throat. 

“Thanks. We’re Sunset Curve. My name’s Reggie,” Reggie says, in that charmingly friendly tone of his. Luke just quirks an eyebrow at him. “This is Luke,” Reggie adds, oblivious, pointing at him. 

Luke does a little wave but the girl barely acknowledges him; she’s got her eyes fixed on Reggie and Luke feels slightly off. Somewhere between offended on Alex’s behalf and protective of Reggie. 

His feelings keep just getting more and more confusing.

“I thought that red guitar of yours was really hot,” the girl says, with a fake-innocent smile. 

“It’s technically a bass— I-I play bass. He’s the one who plays guitar,” Reggie replies, almost clueless, as he’s still pushing Luke back into this two-way-street conversation. 

Still, Luke drinks silently and looks back to where Alex disappeared to. 

“Well, I’d love to know more about that,” she purrs back, pulling Reggie’s collar and twisting it in her finger. “Here,” she prompts, as she pulls a tiny paper from her bra and gives it to an absolutely stunned Reggie. 

Luke sets down his drink. This is fucking ridiculous.

He takes the paper from Reggie’s hand and turns to the girl, who was winding up to leave. “Hey, yeah, lady. He’s not interested, alright? He’s taken,” he explains, hoping to sound less harsh than he did. 

God, every little thing gets way too much on his nerves lately. 

But the girl just smiles widely, a little sinister, and closes Luke’s fist in her tiny hand, trapping the piece of paper inside of it. “I don’t mind,” she whispers, leaning to his face. Then she shoots a look at Reggie on their side. “I like sharing,” she adds before she winks at them and disappears. 

Luke takes two steps back, resting against the bar, his mouth hanging open. 

“What the hell just happened?” Luke mutters, frown deep on his face. 

“I don’t know, but it was a little scary,” Reggie replies, staring at the trail in the crowd the girl left behind with shock in his eyes. “More drinks?” 

“Definitely.” 

They get one more each and Luke gives the paper to the bartender to toss in the trash. They clink the drink again, back to their good mood. 

“You know, I missed this,” Reggie says, that goofy smile back on. 

“Underage drinking in dirty pubs?”

Reggie rolls his eyes. “No. This,” he says, opening his hands around them. “Playing music together, going out— don’t get me wrong, I'm loving my classes, but this is what I’ve wanted to do since we came here,” he says, excitedly. But then he looks down at his colorful drink and he looks sober, even older than he actually is. “You know, chase the dream. I feel like we already lost so much time.” 

Luke wets his lips before he takes one drink. “So you're pissed at me for leaving, too? ‘Cause Alex definitely is.” 

Reggie shifts on his spot and turns to face him, expression open and honest. “No, it’s not— we're not angry, it's just… I don’t know, Luke. It was weird. Unexpected. We were ready to start our brand new lives here and you, you kinda put a hold on it.” 

Luke shakes his head. “Reggie, you guys could’ve done just fine without me. _Clearly_ ,” he adds, making a face. 

Reggie frowns at him. “No, but that’s not the point. What the hell? I don’t wanna do this without you,” he replies. “And neither does Alex,” he adds. 

Luke smiles at his glass despite not feeling a single word of what Reggie says. He knows the bassist isn’t lying, but it’s just not how Luke feels. 

Instead, he goes, “Look, all I’m trying to say it’s that— yeah, I left for a bit but,” he taps Reggie’s knee, “you got something good out of it, right? I mean, look at you, _dating_ ,” Luke says and he smiles. 

It’s genuine. 

He’s hurt but he’s also glad Reggie’s finally got someone to pour all that love and warmth on— Luke just needs to stop thinking about how _Alex_ is that someone so he can feel okay about it. 

Reggie’s nose wrinkles as he smiles proudly, happy. “I know, right?” he replies, in a high tone. “Finally found someone who’s into me and not you,” he adds, jokingly. 

Luke almost chokes on his drink. 

“I mean, I’m joking, obviously. But, it was a little hard, too, Luke. I won’t lie,” Reggie says, honestly. Luke stares at him, his face completely changed. “And I get it. I do. Especially now ‘cause you,” Reggie moves an open hand around Luke’s body, “you know, look like _that_. But I mean, Sarah, Gwen, Patricia— literally every girl I liked in high school ended up liking you instead.” 

Reggie lets out an amused puff. 

Luke feels like he’s sinking. _What?_

“I— why didn’t you say anything?” Luke laments. 

Reggie shrugs. “It’s fine. What was I gonna say? I understood. You had your looks, all that charm, and the whole rockstar vibe going and I was just me, you know? Dorky and...pale—”

“And gorgeous and an amazing bass player,” Alex says, coming up behind Reggie. He gives Reggie one of those soft looks, wrinkling his nose at him before he drops a kiss on his shoulder. 

“There you are,” Reggie greets back, his eyelashes fluttering slowly at the blond. 

“There was a line to the bathroom— anything happen?” Alex asks. 

Reggie and Luke shake their heads, exchanging one single look. That weird encounter with Purple Dress Lady ought to be omitted and utterly forgotten about. 

“Mmhm, and why were you listing all the things I like about you?” Alex asks, throwing his arm around Reggie’s shoulder. Reggie looks down shyly, cheeks flushed. 

“He was selling himself short,” Luke accuses, not really looking at Alex as he puts Reggie on the spot. What he said hasn’t stopped ringing in Luke’s ears, though. 

He's made Reggie feel like Luke feels right now this whole time.

“I know,” Alex barely shoots a look at him. “Hey, look at me,” Alex tells Reggie, lowering his face to Reggie’s. “Yes, you’re dorky, and that makes you funny and cute and so _unbelievably_ attractive,” Alex says the last bit with an overly dramatic tone that gets Reggie to giggle. “I’m just sad I didn’t see that sooner,” he adds. 

Reggie smiles tenderly at him. “Aw,” Reggie says, tilting his head before he gives Alex a short kiss on his neck. “I love you,” he says a beat later. 

Alex blinks at him, the corner of his mouth drawing up. “I know,” he replies.

Reggie’s entire face lights up and he turns to Luke with his eyebrows raised before turning back to Alex. “Was that...You— was that a _Star Wars_ reference?” He looks towards Luke with an ecstatic expression before turning back to Alex excitedly. “I can’t believe you Han Solo’d me!”

Luke almost can't breathe. Alex only ever watched Star Wars 'cause of them. 

Alex chuckles. “I figured you’d appreciate it,” he says before he looks around them to check if anyone’s looking at them— but everyone at the bar is just dancing or drinking. He gives Reggie one quick kiss on the lips again and stares sweetly at him; his eyes nearly sparkling. 

And just like that the icy floor beneath Luke cracks wide open again and he’s shoved into freezing cold water; his bones ache, his heart slows and his chest feels like it’s suffocating. 

“I’m gonna go find something stronger than this,” Luke says, looking over their shoulders at the bartender all the way to the other end behind the counter. 

He downs the remaining of his drink in one go and then walks away, leaving the lovebirds he has for best friends now on their own. 

~☆~

The thing about clubbing is that it can go from harmless fun to chaos in the blink of an eye. 

Alex tried to enjoy himself, dancing with Reggie while keeping a considerable distance so they wouldn't draw any undesired attention to them, but his eyes kept traveling back to where Luke was, drinking himself away and casually chatting with people from time to time. 

He should've let Luke have his space, enjoy himself in whatever way he could, but he knew Luke couldn't hold his liquor to save his life. So Alex had to keep an eye on him. 

"I'm going to the bathroom," Reggie speaks in his ear, and Alex nods, losing sight of Luke in the distance for a second when he glanced at Reggie. 

"Crap. Where is he?" Alex mutters, moving through the crowd till he spots that chunk of wavy, brown hair exiting through the back-door. 

Alex takes a deep breath, taking one second to think. If Luke wants to leave, Alex should just let him. 

But then again he should probably make sure Luke is sober enough to walk back home on his own. Alex decides on that and jogs out of the place, too. 

His stomach revolts when he notices what's happening in that dark alley. 

A big, tall, blond guy is towering over Luke, holding him up against the bricked wall, pressing his knee against his groin and licking his neck. Luke almost jerks his head back, his eyes closed and Alex swallows, his sight going blurry as he takes big steps towards them. 

When he's close enough, he can see the guy better. He's muscular, huge, and there are faint grey hairs on the sides of his head. 

Alex pushes him off without a second thought. 

"Get off!" He shouts. 

Luke startles back to reality and the guy is winding up to push Alex back when more people exit the pub, laughing. 

"You do this show here and they're gonna be kicking the shit out of all three of us," Alex warns the stranger. The way-too-old-for-Luke stranger. And it seems to click in his head. 

He looks between them, visibly tipsy, too, and then turns to leave, muttering, "fucking boys" under his breath. Luke whines and extends his hand at the guy, his face screwed in sorrow that he's gone. 

"What the hell were you thinking?!" Alex shouts, making Luke turn to him.

Luke glares with glassy eyes. "What the fuck do you want from me, Alex?!" 

"You not picking up random strangers _twice your age_ while being drunk would be really fucking swell—"

"Oh, screw you," Luke cuts him off. "I was having _fun_." Luke is breathing at his face. 

"Luke, you're drunk—"

"So fucking _what_ , Alex?" He interrupts again, arms open. Then he wets his lips. "You just want me to be miserable for the rest of my college years? Is that it?" 

"Luke…" 

"— or do you want me to flagellate myself for you?" 

"C'mon…" 

Luke puts his hands on his shoulders, shaking him, holding onto him. "I mean— what's it gonna take, Mercer? Tell me what you want and I'll do it," he says, his tone changing from defiance to just...begging. 

Alex stares at him, speechless and hurt. Luke's amber eyes shine in the darkness and before he can register it, Luke forces a kiss on him. 

"Stop it. Don't do that!" Alex says, instantly pushing him off. 

"Why? Cause you like it?" Luke replies, daring. 

Alex just shakes his head; he's spent. "I am so over this," he says, turning to leave. 

"Alex, I'm _dying_ ," Luke says from behind him, his voice absolutely broken. 

Alex's heart scrunches inside his ribcage. 

He turns to Luke and he looks smaller and more fragile than Alex's seen him in a while. The only other time he's seen Luke like this it's when he ran from his home for a few months last year. 

Alex stands and Luke just lets his arms fall to his sides. "Can't you see? Every time I have to stand and watch you give all of your love to someone else it's like a thousand needles going through my skin," he adds, his eyes boring into Alex's. 

Alex just lets out a breath, frustrated. "Are you listening to yourself right now? Talking about Reggie like he's some random guy I met two weeks ago. You sound ridiculous," Alex tells him harshly. 

Luke bites his bottom lip at a loss of words, then he takes one more step towards Alex and lets his head fall on the drummer's chest. "Why did it have to be Reggie?" he whispers into Alex's yellow shirt. 

Alex opens his arms in a confused gesture. "What—"

"I can't even hate him in _peace_ , Alex," Luke says, raising his head from Alex's chest to look at him in the eyes again. “I’m supposed to be able to hate the new boyfriend, I’m supposed to be able to talk shit about him and I can’t because— it’s _Reggie_. I can’t hate Reggie.” 

Alex's frown slowly uncurls on his face but Luke clicks his tongue, annoyed, and pushes him off before he can say anything, before going back in. 

~☆~

"Hey, hey," Reggie mutters, catching a very distressed Luke by his elbow as he came back into the club. 

Luke stops and stares at him, his eyes getting red around the edges. Reggie holds him tighter, putting his other hand on his neck. 

"Luke, what's wrong?" he asks, softly, his lips almost trembling from seeing his friend like that. 

Luke whimpers before he crashes against Reggie's chest, holding onto his torso with both arms. 

Reggie startles at the force of the hug and he feels Luke's thick breath at the hem of his V-neck. But then he wraps his arms around the shorter boy's back. "It's okay, it's okay," he tries to soothe. 

Luke isn't exactly crying into his chest, but it's close to that. It's like he's running out of air right there. 

Reggie looks at the door through the crowd, thinking about taking him outside, but that's where Luke came from so maybe that's the wrong route. 

Where the hell is Alex? He'd know what to do. 

"It's okay," Reggie says again, this time rolling a hand down Luke's back. 

"No, it's not," Luke whispers at Reggie's chest. "I'm fucking everything up," he adds. 

Reggie shakes his head, his heart shrinking. "What? No, you're not," he refutes, parting from Luke to make him look at him. "You can't. Luke, you literally make everything _better_ ," Reggie says, holding his face. "Like, every room you walk into just— gets instantly brighter," he adds with a smile. 

Luke is the sun. Reggie would be damned if he ever let Luke feel like anything but the best thing ever.

Luke puffs a light chuckle at his face before something glows in his amber eyes and Reggie barely has time to register it before Luke's pressing onto his toes and pushing his lips against Reggie's mouth. 

Reggie’s brain short-circuits and his body isn't moving. 

He's standing there, eyes blown open, stiff and frozen and people around him move in slow motion. 

_What in fucking fuck?_

"Luke!" Reggie shouts, his brain regaining its motor functions enough for him to grab Luke by his shoulders and shake him. 

Luke stares at him with his pupils blown. Reggie inadvertently licks his lips. They taste of bourbon, his father's favorite, and he feels even sicker. 

"Like I said, I'm fucking everything up," Luke sentences before he lightly pushes Reggie away.

"Luke—"

"I— I gotta go," he says, starting to leave. 

"Hold on," Reggie interrupts him, grabbing Luke's hand, but then immediately letting go of it. "Go where?" He swallows. 

"I need to take a walk for a minute. Or several. I'll meet you guys in the dorm later," he explains, looking anywhere but at Reggie. 

Reggie lets him slip through his fingers like sand and he feels weird in his chest. 

What the hell? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Questions: have you ever gone clubbing? did you have fun? what do think Luke and Reggie's favorite game at the arcade when they were growing up was? 
> 
> See you soon!  
> -KJ


End file.
